Merry Christmas Eve

Santa is coming tonight. Turned out the cops were as well.

We were over at Nick's Aunts tonight for Christmas Eve supper. I was drinking a little bit of wine and ended up feeling really sick from it. If I ever think of drinking again, just say "Christmas eve". I don't want to drink any more but I'll miss wine. Maybe I will have a couple of ounces if it's really good wine but that's it. I still feel sick and we left Sue & Jim's an hour ago.

As we pull up to the apartment, there is a cop car sitting up the street (near jasper ave in front of the old church); there is another one sitting in the driveway that we use to get underground;there is a third parked on the lawn; there are two more parked on the street in front of the building. We figured that since we couldn't access our parking spot this evening we would just use one of the visitor spots. As we drive around back, another cop car is parked behind the building. If everybody is counting, we're up to 6. We park and go in the back door where we are intercepted by our landlord, RJ. RJ says that we are going to have to use the stairs and to not be surprised when we pass the fifth floor. Turns out that it's a bit of a problem that we live on the fifth floor. We were going to have to wait to get upstairs.

While we were standing there waiting, it was disclosed to us that there was a major drug bust going on in the apartment right across from the elevators. (For those of you who were here on Saturday night, this was also the commotion in the hallway and the cause of the broken light.) Yikes! They led these two women passed us while we were waiting in the back hall of the building. They were drug whores if I have ever seen drug whores. More Yikes, but directly for them.

We stand and wait, and wait. RJ finally talks to one of the officers and gains us an escort up to our apartment. That was a good thing because I was still really not feeling well. This cute cop takes the elevator with us to the 4th floor and then walks us up the stairs to the 5th. We have two cops standing there watching the hallway away from us while Nick unlocked the door. It was closed and locked before we even had a light on. While Nick was unlocking the door, I turned and looked down the hallway. Curiosity. There was a cop crouched at the corner with an assault rifle. In my hallway.

Curiosity won out once we had a door between us and the danger and a assault rifle at an angle were it would have killed the bad guy before he was able to shoot towards us. We watched at the spy hole and listened. They brought in police dogs. They broke down the guy's door after changing their positions and shouting "We are going to send in dogs. You may be bitten." Other than that it was actually pretty quiet. Not all loud like in the movies.

We had an officer knock on our door just a little bit ago to say that it was all taken care of and that he was out of the building. The management is changing the lock on that suite. What a way to get evicted and what a day for it to happen. RJ has said that if we hear any commotion in the hallway this evening, we are supposed to call him right away and that he would take care of it. He basically asked us to be his ears up here tonight and possibly for the next little while. I don't mind as long as it keeps everybody in the building safe. We are so going to be hightailing it out of the building tomorrow morning.

I'm loosing my ability to create sentences. Suffice to know that everything is okay and everybody is accounted to right down to their little toes.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Really, I have been in town and able to reach and use my computer

Wow, Nov 22 was the last time that I wrote and now it is Dec 23. Yes, a sunday, and I'm up way to early. Woo Hoo for finally achieving regular sleeping patterns. I feel better over all and am having an easier time waking up in the morning (the good), but now I'm conistantly up earlier the sun (the bad) and by 10 o'clock at night, 10:30 at the latest, I really need to go and curl up under my blanky and nap (the ugly). No more late nights for me.

I have no good excuse, or even a bad one, as to why I haven't written. My computer works. My fingers weren't broken. I was reading some really good books as of late, but that doesn't account for a lot. No excuse so we'll just leave it as I didn't. I'm not filling in the last month of missing time either.

Last night we held christmas for the supper club. My sweety whipped up an amazing meal (every girl should only date boys who can cook; buying dinner does not count as cooking). We exchanged presents. Joce left just shortly after 9, J/O left by 9:30, and we threw Mark out at about 10:15. Look at us go. I don't even want to know what would happen if we tried to pull an all-nighter. I guess we are going to have to start things earlier in the afternoon so that we have sufficient time to enjoy each others company.

The solstist was yesterday. Can you ever tell. It's just about 8:30 and the sun is just getting out of bed. Nick however is not. He has to do some serious sleeping once a week. It's good for him.

There is some rushed crazyness coming up. It's called Christmas and I'm always sad when it's gone. Here is a quick summary because I doubt I'll get, or want, to write it in full detail:

• I have a half day of work tommorrow. The original question was are you working the 24th; I said a half day and there isn't really anybody to debate that and tell me I should work more. Everybody else that I'm working with is working till 5PM and actually working. Yuck! One of the benefits of being temp. The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing and neither know what I'm doing until I send in my time sheet every two weeks. :)
• We're spending Christmas eve with Nick's family. Last year we tried this whole running around idea. We did my christmas eve, his christmas eve, his christmas morning, my christmas morning, his families christmas day supper. And honestly, we didn't enjoy any of it. This year, one family at a time.
• Christmas morning is going to be a little bit hecktic though. We are waking up here (I had to fight to makesure that this detail was in the plan). Then we are going to run to Nick's parents place and do christmas there. The reason for this is that Nick's Grandma, who does christmas morning with them, is already 82. We don't know how much longer she is going to last. If Nick missed christmas morning he would regret it. I can understand that so we are going to blast over there and do a really quick christmas with them. And then we are going to my parents, hopefully for 10:30 or 11 at the latest. And we are spending the rest of christmas day with my family. I know that eventually life will get sorted so that we spend one evening at his parents and one even with mine and christmas morning will become something that we do with our family (me, him, pets, kids). But that's a ways off. Being the first serious couple in either family, we have to ask our families to make some comprimises at the moment.
• And then we're both off till the 2nd of Jan.
• We have a play to go to on the 27th.
• The useless party with his family is on the 29th.
• I'm supposed to get together with MO somewhere in there
• New years is at J/O's
• I have to work the 2nd, 3rd and 4th.
• Pole dancing starts again on the 4th.
• School starts on the 7th. I'm looking forward to that!

I'm going to go and play a game or something. I'll try to write more often, or at least have a better excuse next time I don't.

Adios

Insert Title here

I haven't written in so long that I don't even know where to start.

Pole Dance - Lesson 5 &6 (That's how long it's been)
Well, what to say. Since class is over, my bruises may actually get a chance to heal completely without just being re-injured. We start Level 2 on Jan 4. Excited.

School
I got my acceptance and the magic letter that says I get student loans ($5615 to be exact). This is really happening. No more working dead end jobs. My last day of work is going to be december 21. Woo Hoo!

Sick
The reason for this entry being brief is that I have been at home sick for a week now. Starting last friday and now it's Thursday. Most of it is a blinding headache (the kind that Advil can numb but not get rid of). Add to that a dry cough and a general sense of I want to nap (I'm offially asleep more than I'm awake in a day - which only happens when I'm really sick) and I know I sick.

I'm going to go and find my morning Advil and walk away from the computer screen because it's making me want to close at least one of my eyes.

Jocelyn, if you read this, I NEED THE NEXT BOOK! OR 3!

Pole Dance - Lesson 4

Perma-Bruises.

But not as sore as I have been. I was able to do all the pushup work and all of the stretches. I'm slowly starting to build my strength and the moves are starting to feel natural. Even having my hands wondering is starting to feel natural.

Yesterday we learned the backwards spin. While walking around the pole: Step with inside foot; step with outside foot; Swing your inside foot all the way around you until what was once the outside foot becomes wrapped around the pole; Land on your knees; Back arch and get up in sexy manor. I need more practice on this one.

This morning when I woke up, I realized that my arms were a little sore from doing all the floor work (it's like doing variations on pushups for 20-30 min) and I was having trouble reaching my feet with my legs strait. It's now just after noon (and yes I changed the clock to reflect daylight savings time) and I've already managed to find my ankles. All little bit more stretching and those toes will be mine. Mu-ha-ha-ha!

In other news, I keep wanting to do something different with my hair. My brains easy answer is cut it off. But I'm hesitant to do that. Everybody thinks its a bad idea. So I tried straitening it this morning with a round brush. I'm not very good at it but it looks better and reduces my urge to cut it off. Maybe I will try straitening it. I might even get good at the round brush thing.

Otherwise, it's been a really uneventful week. I'm still waiting for my acceptance to school for winter term to come back. I wish they would hurry up. I still need to apply for student loans but I have to ensure that I get in first before I do that. Hurry up.

The one interesting, and positive, thing that did happen this week... My Mom is trying to quit smoking again. She gets closer every time she tries. And then she have one smoke and call the whole thing off. So I was giving her a pep talk. One of those, "If you oops one night and smoke when you're out with your friends (it doesn't help that all of her friends smoke), don't reach for the pack the next morning. Keep going and brush off the oops." and so on. Then it hit me: I was giving my Mom a think-positive talk. She's been giving me those all the way through this rough point and now I'm giving one. My mind set is finally showing that it really is changing. Woo Hoo!

Today we're going to my parents house. This is important because they are redoing the paint job. Yeah! No more pink walls. I will post pictures. I'm sure I have one that shows the old colour. Or maybe they haven't painted a room yet and I can get a picture of that. And it's not just another boring colour. It's actually colour. Real, vibrant colour!

This is me signing off. One doesn't have all day to write you know.

Pole Dancing - Lesson 3

Yesterday was the third pole dancing lesson. Because I strained my shoulder last week and I didn't want to re-injure it, I felt like I was cheating all class. I didn't do the pole slide or the fireman spin. I didn't do the full motion in the cat set on the floor. But the funniest thing that hurt the most: Running my hands across my body. There was something in the way my shoulder had to rotate that caused a little bit of pain. But I need to step it up a little bit this week. I felt so weak on top of the shoulder. I took last week to easy.

My sore places this week: Inside, outside, back, and front of my left hip and both of my hamstrings. It's kind of puzzling that it's always something different that hurts each week. I'm not sure how we find new muscles when we do the same stuff each week but we do.

I'm just going to put the update about the rest of my week into this entry because I don't feel like writing multiple ones today.

I had my doctors appointment on Wednesday. (My supervisor must wonder why it is that I have appointments every Wednesday in a month except one, but she doesn't ask.) We are maintaining the level of the stabilizer that I'm on (its like lamicatol but I'm not sure about the spelling) but we are now adding celexa (an antidepressant). Hopefully we can stop these slumps and improve my ability to concentrate by the time I go back to school. Cross you fingers.

When I go to the doctors, I always get myself weighed. I make a point of not owning a scale. I would watch it way to much. But I do make a point of getting weighed monthly when I have my doctors visit. Some of the drugs that you go on when you're bipolar (or depressed or have any other mental illness) can make you gain or loose weight rapidly. It's good to check regularly therefore. But what I'm doing seems to be working. The eating right and watching my portion size, the pole dancing, the 500 stairs a day Monday to Friday, and any other exercise I can manage to fit in. I've lost 6 pounds! But I've put on muscle so it's probably more fat weight than that. Woo Hoo!!!! Some people may not think that 6 pounds is a lot but between the completely sedentary job that I have and the gaining possibilities of the drugs, I'm really excited about 6 pounds. Hopefully the scale reads even better next month. I really need to go clothes shopping. Especially for pants. My pants are so big that they are falling off of my hips and if I pull them out (so they are tight against my back) it looks like I could almost fit 2 of me in there. Go me. Shopping - 2 weeks; after I get my next budgeted amount for clothing. I'm trying hard to be good to my budget.

In other news, I hate pharmacies! I'm currently using the shoppers drug mart by my house and they f*cked up again! They had written the directions on my prescription wrong (take 1 pill once a day). Since I'm taking 2 pills twice a day, I'm running out of them faster than they think I should. And because they wrote it wrong, my coverage doesn't want to let me have more till the 3 month mark (I received a prescription for 100 tablets). So I'm going to have to force them to correct this with the insurance company and then get the pills. Then I'm changing pharmacies. There is a rexall down the street as well and it's nice and quite. Hopefully they're competent as well. Wish me luck on this front. I hate pharmacies!

Pole Dancing - lesson 2

So saturday was the second pole dancing lesson. The fun this week - The Fireman Spin. It's like sliding around in a firehouse except I don't think those good looking studs can make it look this sexy. ;)
And I'm hooked. The right music comes on and I want to do hip circles. Hell, Saturday night I went to bed dancing. I have proven that you can do hip circles while lying in bed. I couldn't stop.
And I'm battered and bruised.
Bruises: Both knees - They are just starting to go purple, they were still red yesterday; A second one below my left knee cap; Across my right shin - I think I kicked the pole while learning the spin.
Battered: I could barely move Sunday when I woke up. Let's cover a short list. My forearms. My upper arms, biceps and triceps. My shoulders. Joce, how many muscle groups are there in that area, because they all hurt. The small of my back, My hips, My thighs. And my abs. My abs hurt so bad. The good news, most of it feels much better by this point. The bad. I think I strained the muscle in my left shoulder. The one that caps the shoulder joint and inserts on to the (name of long bone in the upper arm - duh) just under the upper parts of the bicep and tricep and onto the scapula. Joce, help me out here. Do you have a clue what I'm talking about. Anyways, it hurts. It's now Monday and its the only muscle that is still trying to make me cry. Hopefully it heals fast.

I can't wait for next week.

School causes stress

Last entry. I promise. But start at the beginning of todays entries (Pole Dancing - Lesson 1). Then read up the page. It will make more sense this way.


School causes stress. Even when you're not registered yet.
I decided that since Nick isn't ready, I'm going to take two years and do my BComm at the UofA. Great. Perfect. This will work wonderfully.
Read a little further and look over my grades again and uh-oh. I don't think I have enough of a GPA to be competitive and get into the department. This sucks.

So before this week is out, I'm going to go and talk to an adviser in the faculty of Business. Bye-Bye lunch hour. Until then, I'll just keep checking the anxiety box on my mood chart.

Marry me... Maybe

Nick and I talk about getting married. We both truly want it to happen. But he's nervous. I don't blame him.

Quite a while ago, he said it was because we couldn't afford the wedding we wanted. Yes, we've talked about it that in depth.

Last week, as I was thinking about the upcoming schooling, I realized that if we waited till we were done school and gave ourselves a year to save up some money, we wouldn't be getting married for another 8 years. 8 years. So I told him that I didn't care about the wedding itself. Let's have something simple now and we'll have a 10 year anniversary that looks like our original wedding plans. It would happen about the same time. Then the truth came out.

Nick isn't really good at articulating his feelings. Not the deep ones. So there was a couple days of confusion and strong emotions and tension between us.
It started as him not being sure that I wouldn't snap or breakdown on our future kids. Except he worded it in a way that made me feel like he wasn't sure that he wanted me to be the mother of his kids and kids are ubber important to him. He wants a family very badly. It hurt, coming out like that. I cried so hard that my eyes hurt the next day at work.
So we talked about it again. And it started to take a little bit more of a shape. And seemed a little bit nicer.
And we talked and we talked. And it got better.

Saturday (this is the part I kept promising in my last post, if you're reading them backwards even though I'm going to tell you not to at the beginning of my next post) Jenn hauled me into a bridal shop. I was so hesitant! And it hurt because of what was going on between Nick and I. I know it wasn't intentional. She had no idea as to what was going on at home. And then it was wedding-this and wedding-that. And I melted over the next stress point - Nick going shopping.

After J/J/O left, Nick and I got to talking one more time. And I finally figured it out. He does intend to marry me. He does intend to have kids with me. He knows that right now I'm battling the bipolar and learning how to live with it. He wants to wait though because he wants to see me beat this. At least to a point where I'm stable and happy again. (I always think that I look eternally sad whenever I catch sight of myself in a mirror. I've been avoiding them.) Healing when you fall seriously out of it takes so long. But I know it's getting better. (I know that as it stands I need to add something to the drug mix. Next doctors appointment) But it's slow. And I'm trying to do it right this time to try and prevent another episode. I don't want to go through this again. I'm pretty sure that Nick and my friends don't either. Once is enough for most people. This is now twice for me. Except this time I remember what it feels like to be truly happy and positive. Okay. Off topic.

The point is, Nick wants to wait. I understand why. I still have a lingering fear that he's going to leave because he can't handle the bipolar. But I know that I just need to trust. That for now I just need to love him and let him love me. Plus, if I quiet and wait on the topic, he'll get the chance to do something romantic and propose.

Meltdown - Everybody Run

Saturday evening, Jenn, Owen, and Jocelyn were over. Shortly before supper, I went from happy to crying and avoiding. I emotionally melted down. I just wanted to hide. Honestly, I was embarrassed and didn't want anybody to notice that I couldn't manage myself. But they are my best friends. Of course they noticed. I was still melting, although slowing down, by supper time. Finally Jenn said "Mel, you have got to snap out of this". I had to walk away. I had to go and collect myself. But her saying that did it. It got me coming back around. J/J/O: I owe you an explanation and even though it doesn't cover the whole melt down, I think that it was a contributing factor. See next entry... When I came back to the table, I made a point of not letting myself completely wallow. I tried to get involved in the conversation and leave what happened as a meltdown. And I think I succedded to a point. My great friends volunteered to clean up my kitchen. Thanks guys - even though I had a hell of a time finding my cutting boards. :) While they cleaned up, Nick and I had a quiet chat in the bedroom. See next entry. (I'm saying that a lot but it will make sense.) I heard them finishing them up, so Nick and I came out and I was ready to socialize again but they had all decided that they were going to leave. I was kinda disappointed. But in a way it was good. See next entry.

Meltdowns happen. This one started with under lying stress and was triggered because Nick went shopping after I had told the girls all afternoon that I had no money and couldn't go shopping.

But meltdowns happen when you live with bipolar. It's like something in your head suddenly turns and you're no longer in control. The emotion is huge, overwhelming. And if there is people around, I want to go hide. I have lost every friend I have ever had at some point. A few have come back (and I love them dearly) but most haven't. I have hurt everybody who has walked into my life. And I never know what happened. I can't remember it. People will just stop talking to me, just walk away. I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt those that I love and loose them from my life. Those large emotions are wild and I'm not in control at those times. I can say some extremely hurtful things. I don't mean any of it and would have never said it (or at least not like I did at that moment) but I did or could.

When you see the rapid shift, give me a moment. There is a chance I could collect myself five minutes later. After that, come and find me. Talk to me. Leave your emotions at the door. The worst that can happen is that you emotionally respond because my brain is already searching for a reason for this emotion to be happening (Nick is extremely good at this). Be prepared for emotions that could range anywhere from rage to extreme sadness (I'm talking like your mother just died suddenly type). Be prepared for me to tell you that there is no reason because there isn't. It's that simple. Don't push it because if my brain can find a reason for it, than the feeling suddenly becomes legitimated. And I don't want any feeling that big to actually have a reason. I want to keep it as just a feeling. Something that will pass. As I start to calm down, talk to me. I may not want to rejoin the group right away and probably couldn't stand for everybody to come to my aid all at once (pick a representative, you could even take turns). And remember, it will pass and it's not personal, you did nothing to cause this. If I was mad at you, I would come right out and say it. This is different.

Thank you to the best friends somebody could want. Thank you for being supportive. And for being brave enough to speak up when these things happen. I know they make you nervous.

Pole Dancing - Lesson 1

Welcome to the first of today's blogs. I say that because today, I'm writing a whole series. So hold on to your coat tails. We may be in for one wild ride that is going to be a walk through the last few days.


Pole Dancing - Lesson 1

Yes. You read the title right. Me and Jenn and Jocelyn (and a few other friends who didn't show up for who knows what reason) decided we need some fun exercise to do. Pole dancing sounded like fun. Man, I love being liberal. For the next 5 saturdays, from today (6 if you count last saturday) we be going pole dancing. Yes. Like what they do at the strip clubs. Except this is about us. Not about guys (and girls) who just want to have fun. I think this is going to be liberating. Plus I'm finally loosing a bunch of weight so right now is a great time to celebrate living in my body.

Lesson 1 - I hurt! Mostly my triceps.
Lesson 2 - I can't wait.

The things we find in our back alley

It's amazing how much less I get to write when I'm not able to do it at work.

A few weeks back we were contemplating going out and spending a small chunk of money on a wine rack. And then we found one out beside the recycling bin. It's just stick construction and only holds 8 bottles of wine. But I'm not complaining in the least. My bottles stopped trying to fall on the floor and it was free.

On Sunday night (Thanksgiving), we were just coming home from dinner at my parents when what should we see. Somebody left me a brand new desk leaning against the support piller by our car in the parkade. Brand new. Still in its flat pack. All we had to do is haul it upstairs and put it together. It was a great construction project for the morning of the holiday Monday. I will post a picture of it later.

In other news. I think I'm going back to school. At the UofA. And we're going to be staying here longer than we first thought. Woo Hoo! I was so apprehensive about going to Calgary for school. I start to bounce when I get stressed out. I wouldn't have any friends, family, or familiar support services there. Plus staying here and doing it cuts 2 years off what I need to do. And it gives Nick time to get his stuff in order for Calgary. He has courses he needs to complete.

But my battery is about to die (I love lap tops). I will tell you more later

I finish what I started - with a cat in my lap

Okay... Now that I'm home and have nobody telling what I should do...

I had my first therapist appointment yesterday. I was originally supposed to see a lady named Sharron. When I showed up, she said "Hi. This is Andrew. We'll be transferring you to his caseload." Great. A guy who is 6' and has broad shoulders. The body type that I have trouble being around. If you know what I'm talking about, you'll know. And if not, I have a problem trusting large males. Take it at face value.

So, after talking to him for a bit, he's not bad. But true trust will come with time. Dealing through this may actually help me work with my body-type issues. Maybe. We'll see.

Other than it being emotionally exhausting, it was relativity uneventful.

I think that's it for now. Since I can't think of anything more, I guess I'll quite.

Stairs, Stairs, and more Stairs

Out of shear curiosity (this seems to be a reason I do a lot of things) I actually have counted the number of stairs I walk each day. 108 into and out of Granding Station. 81 into and out of University station (I walk the escilators, I'm sure if I was to actually take the stairs they have hidden in the back, the number would be so much higher) and 54 into and out of the building that I work in. So let me grab this fancy calculator I have here... and 243 stairs to work and 243 stairs home (give or take on how the escilators go) which means.... 486 stairs a day. That's disgusting. Don't anybody tell me that I don't get a work out. Remember that I also walk 9 blocks each way in between doing all those stairs.

On to more important news: The fact that I don't have a radio in my new office (or any speakers hooked up to this ancient computer that I'm sitting at) is driving me crazy. It is therefore my mission to acquire a small clockradio this weekend. This is something that I meant to do the entire time I was with the government but never got around to. I just want to listen to Garner in the morning. I miss it. This morning would have featured "Tradio". :( Soon, so very soon. *says she with the peaked taping fingers and a very coniving look on her face*

Okay, on to actually important news: I had my first councilling appointment yesterday. I will have to finish this later. I'm at work after all.

Still looking for my readers names

Hi all, again,

I would like to know who is reading my blog. Please leave all comments in ENGLISH. As of yet I speak no other languages, other than I've made it my mission to learn German. Slowly. Nick is going to help me mostly because he can pronounce it well. Then when we go to Germany...

Names please

Hi all who read,
I know I have some readers who are not my close friends. I don't mind. Not at all. Please read. And I hope that my journey through bipolar is going to help you through yours.
All comments are welcome. But please leave a name and maybe a short synopsis of yourself and how you came to read my blog. Mostly I'm curious about who is reading and why. If you have a blog of your own, please leave the link. I would like to read about other peoples journeys through life.

If you are bipolar, I would highly recommend this process. There has been many times where I wasn't able to reach out to people but my close friends read my blog and contact me. Its a very good process.

Smiles
Mel

The weird knee thing continues

So my knee drained Sunday morning (I believe that is the last time that I wrote. Guess I should have checked before starting this. Oh well).
By dinner time Sunday evening, it was swollen so bad again that I could barely put weight on it. At the insistence of my mother-inlaw, Nick took me to see a doctor. Waiting in the waiting room (it's about all you get to do there) at the Emergency department at the Grey Nuns, I felt what is becoming an all too familiar *Pop* *Tingle*. My leg drained. Sure, right before I get to see the doctor. Great. Now what is he going to check.
So they take me into their fast track. It's now contained in a tent in the ambulance bay. And it's disgustingly cold. You're kidding, right? Not quite.
So I saw the doctor. A little Chinese guy who spoke good English but was completely unhelpful. Something about it being superficial and take Advil and put a heat pack on it. Thanks Doc. Now why is this happening? What's causing it? What can I do to make it stop happening? No answer. You could almost hear the owls hoot. Then he explains to me why its not a deep tissue clot. Duh my calf doesn't hurt and I can flex my foot just fine. I never described either of those symptoms. Or did I just miss it. So he walks away to the next person in there that wants his attention. Did I just see a you-wasted-my-precious-time look on his face.
The conclusion: My knee is still swelling up and draining after hours of pain; I'm carrying a hot heart to work with me every day; I will only go to the UofA hospital from now on. They employ quacks everywhere else.
And the best part, he suggested I stay off of it as much as possible. Duh, it hurts like a Banachy. The commute to work doesn't help. Six blocks to the train station; 4 flights of stairs down; take the train; 5 flights of stairs up; 3 blocks across campus including a walk down a hill; 3 flights of stair up to the office. Do the whole process in reverse on the way home. I may be wrong on the number of stairs but if you count a flight as 10 stairs, then I'm only wrong by underestimating. Off of my knee I shall stay.

The wierd knee thing

I woke up yesterday morning with a sore knee. And it just kept getting worse all day! It seriously, honestly felt like I smacked my knee cap hard enough that I may have fractured it. So I limped around for the day. The first time I really looked at it (yeah, probably the first thing most people do when the have pain) was last night at about 2 AM after we got back from Jenn and Owen's. And low and behold, my knee was swollen and I had the major vein that runs around the inside edge of the knee cap just plum full of blood. I tried rubbing up the vein to try and convince it to drain but no dice. That blood wasn't going anywhere. But we were tired so I figured I would deal with it in the morning. After a night of sleeping very gingerly and Nick trying to stay away from me, I woke up and it was still not draining! What the hell. I was so seriously scared. My first thoughts: "What if it's a blockage?" "What if the vessel has collapsed?" Was I ever scared. Both cases involve surgery. And it wasn't that long ago that I was last put under and cut open. So I got up and started moving around thinking if I have to go to the hospital, I want breakfast first. When I first moved, it hurt so bad! Probably a 5 or 6 on a scale of 1-10. I was praying to those unnamed gods again. Promising that if this went okay, I would take so much better care of myself. I climbed up on the bed to get Nick to have a look at it and there was a weird tingly sensation that went up my leg and by the time I got my pj pant leg up over my knee, it had drained! All at once. It's a miracle!!!

So now I owe those unknown gods something. I guess I'm on a diet and am going to have to pick up the slack on the exercising. Let's all make a deal. Since there are now 3 of us on confirmed diets, lets try to keep supper club as a healthy affair.

My other plans of action.

• I'm going to do my own baking and I'm going to try splenda. This is probably better for me than store bought baking. It'll probably taste better too.
• I'm going to eat more fruit
• I'm going to watch the portion sizes
• And I'm going to restart on 6am yoga (yuck)
• I may also try to convince my Mom (since we practically work together now) that we should start walking at lunch. Let's hope its a really mild winter if we're going to be doing that.
• And I'm so looking forward to our pole dancing class. Woo Hoo
• I may also get some cardio type videos so I have some variety from the yoga. I saw a really cool hula dancing one. That may be fun.
  

Point is, that was scary and I made promises. Let's hope I can hold my end of the bargain up. Wish me luck!

Mood Swings and new news

Yesterday was a day. I really don't know what else to call it. I've been mostly stable lately. The weird dreams started again Saturday or Sunday night. I haven't got much sleep since then. The last 2 nights have been completely useless.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling pretty good. It was one of those mornings where you wake up knowing that its going to be a really long day. I wasn't doing bad at work. Mostly I was busy. I had a doctors appointment at 4:30. At about 3 I could feel things start to slip. My mood was dropping fast. My doctor walked into the room and asked how I was. I said "Its a day". She said that I looked pretty sad. While taking the bus home, I was starting to hit the nearly-not-functional portion of depression. Its so hard just to function far enough to not randomly break down while out in public when I'm feeling like that. I walked in the door. I said Hi to Nick and the tears started to well up in my eyes. I couldn't hold them back any longer. Nick finds it very distressing when I start to cry for no reason. And although I was able to hold up the better part of a conversation, tears just kept rolling down my face. I don't entirely understand.

Today, woke up feeling not entirely terribly bad. But today could go either way. Either I'll improve drastically. Or I'll be not functional by the time I get home. Hopefully it's quiet enough at the office today that i can get some english homework done because I may not be in any condition to do any this evening.

The news: We're upping my drugs. Now 250mg per day
The old news: Tomorrow is my last day with the government. Monday I start with the university of Alberta.
News that yet is to happen: My first councilling appointment is next Wednesday

Birthday loot

Yah. I'm now officially 24. I thought that I should brag about the great loot I scored and the great people who gave it to me.

From Mom and Dad - A leather jacket. Unfortunately I had to return it because the zipper was pulling out. Now I'm hunting for a new one. I have shopping to do. I may have to wait until they go on serious sale on boxing day. We'll see

From Nick - a Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer! Woo Hoo. I've already used it to make cookies. And I've aquired some small cookie sheets from Mark's collection of random things. This helped with the cookie making.

From Jocelyn - A beautiful photo frame. Complete with custom done photos. Including 2 photos of the kids.

Woo Hoo for birthdays

From

The Conclusion of the saga of the tea pot lids (and square cake pan)

It was too wierd. We could find the tea pot lids or the square cake pan. We had both seen both items. We swore that we had put them away in the cupboards. Turns out we had seen them but had misplaced the memory of where and thought it was the cupboard. Turns out they were still in boxes. We felt stupid and then celebrated their glorious return with a pot of tea.

The story of the missing tea pot lids

That title sums it up. We went on vacation and when we came home we noticed that we are missing the lids from two tea pots. Its very strange because we both recall seeing them in the cupboard on their appropriate pot not too long before leaving town. And neither of us remember moving them.

And then last night, I couldn't locate my square baking pan. And we searched every cupboard in the kitchen.

I called Jocelyn and she said that there wasn't anything strange happening around the house while we were gone.

This is all in all too weird! Did anybody else possibly misplace these items? Or have noticed them around my house?

Vacation

So I guess I should write at least a small post about my vacation. I warn you, it's going to be short. I don't really feel like writing this today.

It was an amazing trip. Next time we do it, I would like to go with our friends.

The one thing I would change is I would not drive too and from Sicamous in one day. That's right. We drove for over 9 hours twice during our trip. It's just too long to be sitting in a car.
The other thing I wouldn't do is take Nick's Dad's car. It's the only car I have ever seen that can actually slow down while going down hill if you take your foot off the gas. It has absolutely no guts. To get it to gain any speed after it reached 90km/h, you had to force it up to 5000rpm. And then it sounded like it was going to blow up. Poor Car.

We all left Sunday morning. From Edmonton to Revelstoke. Nick drove most of this way. Monday morning we drove from Revelstoke to Sicamous. This was a short trip. We were in Sicamous at 9AM. Turns out we didn't need to be there till about noon. I hate being forced to waste time when you really can't wonder too far.

And then it was onto the houseboat. Ship of Dreams. Its a good name for a houseboat.
3 nights on private beaches (1 on a public party beach - we had to be back at the dock for 9:30 and so had to park closer which means a public beach). 2 days with +30 weather. I even managed to tan my legs a little bit. And I was clever enough not to burn anything else.

Swimming and eating was most of the activity. I even got conned into jumping off the top of the houseboat. An 8 year old with big blue eyes made me feel weak because she had been doing it all morning and she said she would do it with me. How could I say no to that?

And then it was the long drive home. Nick's cousins, who we were car pooling with wanted to be back for Friday night. We left Sicamous about noon on Friday and I will never drive that again without stopping for the day. It's too long. Me and nick left most of the driving to his cousins because we wanted to stop and weren't going to bust ourselves so that they could get back to the city that night. But I did drive the Rogers Pass (Revelstoke to Golden). Woot me. That licence is so close I can taste it.

Another big exciting mention. On the way home, a fairly large buck jumped out on the road in front of us on the David Thompson. I say it enter the ditch before it even hit the road. Luckily Nick's cousin, who was driving at the time, hit the brake hard before he even saw the animal just because I said "deer, deer, deer". When you hear it, brake first, ask questions later.

If you want a visual idea, http://www.twinanchors.com/vacation/houseboat/ccii-floorplan.php

An article about my mother that she will probably never see

So I was hanging out with my mom last night. She is helping me get in a little bit of practice in before I go for my licence. Which is great. 8 years later, it's finally going to happen. Woot!

As per usual, we ended up talking about me being bipolar. It comes up naturally in discussion, especially with it being at the forefront of my mind lately. As usual, Mom ended up belittling what I'm going through.

I said that I'm a little bit manic right now. I know I am. The Dreams are back (I have the craziest dreams instead of truly sleeping when I'm manic). I need to speak. It's like pressure behind my lips. Just sitting, I feel like I need to pant because my body is moving so fast. ... I know what I'm feeling now. I've learned enough to be able to recognize it even though I'm just learning what may cause it.

So I told Mom that I'm feeling a little bit manic. Mom replied that everybody feels like that once in a while.

I told Mom that I'm in the process of upping my dose of the drug. She said that if I was feeling better, she couldn't understand why I was upping the dose. She doesn't want to know how fast I'm cycling and how I've been feeling lately. She's not interested. I think she hopes that I can eventually come off the drugs and be normal.

I told her that I was so proud of myself for being able to put my credit and debit cards in my room and leave them there. And to be able to go shopping with Joce last weekend and actually be able to budget for what I wanted. She says everybody goes through that. I told her that for me it wasn't about buying stuff. It was about the purchase. I can go on ebay and buy something, anything, just to spend the money. I'm quite often surprised when it shows up in the mail. And I hate that. I don't think that's normal. She just made that face that says that she doesn't believe me.

This isn't the only time that she makes me feel like what I'm feeling or going through isn't real or that I'm exaggerating. I'll be the first to mention that my Mom is mildly bipolar but not enough to need an actual diagnosis or to be on medication. But there are times that I feel like standing there screaming "Have you ever not slept for days on end because you have too much energy? Have you ever had the urge to kill yourself? How about to mutilate yourself? Have you ever picked a hole in your skin just to see if you bleed because you are having trouble believing that you are still human because you can't feel anything? Have you ever stood there yelling at somebody over something completely retarded, paused to apologize and then just keep yelling? Have you ever broken something during a fit of rage? Have you ever started crying in public for no reason? Have you ever pushed somebody away because you are scared that the pain inside of you is going to hurt them? Have you ever felt like you've polluted every relationship you have ever had? Because I have! And I know that most of these feelings are NOT within the realm of 'normal'."

I remember once, I was in high school at the time and it was my second or third severe depressive episode, that I went into the living room where my parents were watching TV. I sat down on the couch next to my mom and during the next commercial break, I attempted to express a fear I was having. It was the first time I ever felt like killing myself. I was so scared because I never felt like that before and I had for the last few days. I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to contain that urge. My parents pretty much said "No you don't". They didn't believe that what I said was serious. I got brushed off at a time when I really need not only them, I needed professional help.

One day I'll figure out how to talk to both of my parents in a way that they will finally understand what I'm going through.

I don't think I'm the only one on the bipolar scale either. I think Conley is too. He's always had a touchy personality. He starts yelling at the drop of a hat. He tried to kill himself once. He swallowed a whole bottle of Tylenol. He didn't realize that acetaminophen will make you really sick instead of stopping your ability to live. He had his bedroom in the basement of the town house at the time. I remember going over there the day after he did this (he did it late in the evening). Conley was down in his room sleeping and occasionally puking! Mom acted like him being sick was his just reward for swallowing that bottle. She never took him in. She never recommended that he should probably talk to somebody. She never called a mental health crisis line. I don't even remember her checking on him while I was there. I was scared that he would have puked in his sleep and choked. Tylenol has a heavy sedative effect. I bet you her tune would have been different if he had mixed that bottle with a little drain cleaner (fatal mix in a large enough quantity). Or if he had added a heavy enough sedative (he would have choked when he puked). Or if he had chosen a different pill. There are a lot of pills that are toxic in large doses. (Example, lithium, the drug they typically use treat bipolar. Isn't it funny that they give bipolar people something to kill themselves with.) Conley, fortunately seems to have grown out of most of the bipolar symptoms.

But when are my parents, and mostly my mother, realize that this is more than just being happy or sad? When is she going to lend some validity to what I'm feeling? When am I actually going to be able to rely on them as part of my support network? I don't think it's to much to ask or expect.

Shopping, Shopping, Shopping

Jocelyn and I went shopping on Saturday. First we hit up Dawn's and then we did a number on Reitmans. And I could have shopped and spent and shoppped for a lot longer than we did.

But I came up with an ingenious idea that everybody should be proud of. Being bipolar is getting offially expensive. My shopping habits are crazy! I'm now typically leaving my visa at home in my box unless I'm actually planning to use it with good intensions. When I went shopping I left my debit card at home and I took all of the food money out of my wallet. All that I had on me is what I could spend. And I spent every penny of it (to the point where I owe Joce a loonie - stupid GST). But for the first time I actually had to stop and think about what I could afford and budget the money I had. And I had to place some priorities on what I was getting. This is most definately the way to shop.

Yesterday my Mom called me and said that I should go shopping with her. I told her that I spent my shopping money on the weekend. I'm going to go with her if she still wants to go. I enjoy being her fashion advisor. Plus I'm going to try and milk it and help her spend some of her money on me.

I love clothes shopping. Especially for cute tops.

Doctors appointment

I had my doctors appointment yesterday. We think that the meds are working but I'm just not on a sufficient dose. So over the next 4 weeks we're going to be doubling the dose. I was on such a tiny dose to start with (100mg/day). We always start low because we never know how I'm going to react to a drug. Some times I take to it well, like this one. Sometimes a small dose will act like a large dose. Sometimes a drug will not have any effect at all. Sometimes I get wicked side effects. We're going to hope that this is going to get me balanced again. I'm looking forward to the moods slowing down.

I met Nick's relatives from Germany last night. They are very nice. It makes me feel a little better. But that boat is going to be chaos. The house felt overwhelmed last night and it's larger than the house boat is going to be.

In other news, my hip popped really good on Wednesday evening and isn't sitting strait in the joint. I'm super sore today and the Tylenol is making me very sleepy. I hope it pops again soon.

Why this vacation scares me so bad...

We (Nick and me) are joining his family for a vacation on a houseboat in BC in now... um... 12 sleeps. I'm so excited for this trip. I've never been. It's going to be so much fun.

As of Sunday, it struck me that I'm also terrified of this trip. I'm so scared that I'm going to have a meltdown on the boat. We're on there for 5 days. Lately I haven't been making it 5 days without a meltdown (or fit as I've been referring to them). This morning I put a really good finger on why its scaring me. There isn't a safe place on the boat where I can have a fit. There isn't a guarenteed environment where I can just let go without worrying about being judged. This usually happens at home (sorry Nick) where I feel safe and know I won't be judged. I know he understands even if he doesn't understand why it's happening. And while Nick is going to be there, there are also going to be a lot of other people there also. And the boat is going to be a fairly small confine. I don't know how to change the boat into a safe place.

I hate feeling like a bomb that is just waiting to go off. And you never know how much longer is on the timer until it starts to detinate.

Mood Update: Yesterday and today: Completely depressed. Today possibly worse than yesterday.

Councilling update: First appointment: Sep26. Its a little way off but it will come quick. Just don't word it as "6 weeks away".

Med update: I don't know if they are working. I feel like I'm cycling quicker than ever. My doctors appointment is Thursday. We need to have a serious look at them. I just want to be stable. Any improvement would be huge at this point.

Help has arrived

I finally figured out the councilling thing. And the best news: It is going to be covered by my Alberta Health Care because I have an official diagnosis.

This morning I finally got up the courage and I called the Bipolar Education Group that is put on by Capital Health. The nice lady there told me about the other programs that are available because that group doesn't start up again until Oct.
There is a support group run out of the Grey Nuns.
She also gave me the number for Alberta Mental Health's Intake Unit. So I called them and talked to Heather. We did a short interview over the phone and she will have a therapist call me in a week or two to set up my initial appointment.

Woo Hoo. Finally, after so much searching, I'm finally going to get the help that I need.

And I'm going to take all of this info to my doctor so that she has it for the next person who needs it because she didn't have any answers for me when I asked what resources were available. Every GP should at least know where to refer their patients when they do need help.

The next day

Last night, on my way home from work, I remembered what I wanted to write about when I walked across the office and lost it. I wanted to right that I put my credit card away. It's in the box on top of my dresser. But it's not in my wallet. That means that I'm going to achieve a lot less impulse spending. As of late I've been spending as much as I can put on my credit card. Being me is so expensive sometimes.

I went home and played on the computer for a little while and then made supper, singing and bouncing the entire time. I kept getting little clippets of songs in my head. We went to Rose's gallery opening. That was so hard. I had to try so hard to be serious. I felt so caged. Stuff me in a box and tell me to be good. And they kept trying to introduce me to people. I just pretended I was shy even though I wanted to talk their ears off. In pretending I was shy, I managed not to say anything out of the ordinary to anybody I didn't know fairly well. It went okay. But after being there for a little over an hour, I was starting to rock on my feet and just about bounce. Nick finally decided we should take off. It was like stretching after being crunched up for too long. It took a little while. I felt so muted. And then off I went. I went home and played on the computer. I was reluctant to turn on Sims because I knew I should go to bed soon. So I played around, instead, on the internet. I might as well turned on Sims because I was on the computer till almost 1AM. Then I decided that it really should be bed time. I layed there. I had so much energy that my muscles were nearly twitching. I knew that I needed to relax. So I went for a bath and read my book. I finally got to sleep at about 2:30. And it was the worst sleep. I woke up so many times. Mostly because Nick wasn't sleeping well and everytime he turned, he moved the blankets around and let the cold air in at me. Then I would wake up to kick the blanket back into place. When I wasn't awake, I was dreaming. Then at 6:30 this morning, AWAKE! And I could have jumped out of bed if Sam hadn't been blocking my way.

I'm feeling much calmer today. I don't feel remotely sleep deprived. I still have tons of energy. I just don't have the increadable urge to skip down the hall. But I think that's building. I'm starting to sing along with the radio. I'm increadably hungry today. My stomach just wants more, more, more. We'll just wait and see. I'll let you know how it goes.

To be noted

I know I need to manage to sit still long enough to be able to document this.

I'm grinning. Nothing matters. I want to laugh. I want to snicker. I want to skip down the hall. I can't read unless I really force myself. And then I need to do it like I'm part of some secret plot. I'm singing along with the radio. I'm dancing at my desk. I would get up and skip around my cubicle if somebody wouldn't look at me funny. Actually, I don't know if I would care if somebody would look at me funny.

I've been jumpy for the last few days. But not like this. My thoughts are coming so fast that I can't really grasp any of them. I'm not pressured yet.

This morning walking to work, I thought "Today is going to get nice because I'm smiling". Note to self: the weather is utterly independent of my mood.

Wow, I'm using the backspace button a lot. My fingers aren't behaving really well.

Irene, a lady I work with, just interrupted me and now I have no clue what I was talking about. Gone. Whoosh.

I want to call Jenn. No reason or purpose. Just to call. I don't even know what I would say. I can't hold onto anything long enough to decide what to talk about.

This is like the other night, I'm not sure which one it was, maybe monday evening. I couldn't decide what to do. I wanted to read 4 books. I wanted to play sims. I wanted to cross stitch. And I wanted to do it all at once. Nick keep suggesting things and I just wanted to do more and more. I felt like I was going to burst from being pulled in too many directions. I figured since I wanted to read so many books (mostly because they were new and the covers were pretty) that I should read. Rather than starting a new book, I picked up the one that I have been reading for a little while. I went for a bath. They are so calming. I was okay. I went to bed after that.

PS. I had the most terrible migrain yesterday. It really started Tuesday night. It was so bad that I couldn't open my eyes, have the window open (street traffic) or move. My brain felt like it was bouncing against my skull every time I moved. It's all kind of funny because your brain doesn't actually have any pain receptors in it, no matter how bad it hurts sometimes.

I would never be able to hand write this. My pen can't move that fast. And now I feel like I can't stop typing. It's nice to see my thoughts flowing across the computer screen instead of just bouncing around inside my head.

I have a doctors a pointment next week. I should take this entry with me. I think she will want to know that I'm currently manic. Possibly more pronounced form of mania than I have ever experienced before and it feels fantastic. I need a project. I have so much energy.

Tonight is Rose's (nick's cousin) gallery openning at the uofa hospital art gallery. All of Nick's family is going to be there. I'm going to make a fool of myself. I'll have to tell you about it tomorrow.

I had something else I wanted to talk about. I walked across the office to put a file in its spot. When I came back, I have no clue. This is like this morning, I thought of something that I need to remember to pack for houseboating when I was in the bathroom. I got back to my desk and gone. I still think that I haven't think of it again. I wish I could remember what I wanted to talk to you about. :-( <--- Tee Hee. He has a nose. I had to go back and put it in.

Woo Hoo. 10 More mins and work is done!

It's a good thing I can bite my tounge. My boss was looking at a piece of paper and asked "who is so&so?" I almost declared "somebody who thinks she is special". But I bit my tounge and went and danced in the copy/file room instead.
I work in a correspondce unit for the government. People write in and we answer their letters. More correct: We tell people under us to answer the letter. We just send it through to the right area. We get more than a few quack jobs who write in. She is one of them. She wants to violate and adoptive family's rights of choosing who gets to interact with thier child just because she is the biological grandmother. There isn't nothing that garantees that blood says you get to see the child. Only the legal parents can choose that. You're own blood children can choose not to let you into the childs life. You can try for a court order but those are usually only granted in exceptional circumstances.

Still 5 more mins. I'm going to shut down now. And pack up early. And go home. I get to go see my kitties. Sam will attack me and Marissa will run. The sheer energy bouncing off of me is going to scare her.

Why does it feel so good to be joyfully manic? For those who don't know there is also irratible manic. That's usually what I get. This is the first time I got giddy manic. I enjoy it. I want to play Sims.

Its been a long time since I got talked about in a washroom while I was present

We finally went and saw the new Harry Potter movie last night. Yet again, another very well done movie.

These 4 teenage girls sat behind us. The kind where you know that you are in for chatting during the movie. A couple of times during the movie, I ended up looking back at them because they were talking and giggling. After the movie, they saw me come into the washroom. While I was in the stall, one said something to the effect of "... and she turned and looked at us so many times. Even if we just giggled...". My only thought was "And one day, you too will grow up". These girls totally reminded me of KEG. (If you know who that group of girls was in high school, you'll know what I'm talking about. If you don't, there are air headed prissies in every high school.)

Friday night, we went out for supper with Jenn, Joce, and Owen. They brought me a card and the most beautiful roses. Thanks guys.

The Man that I Need is the One that I Have

I'm not going to take back what I said about Nick. This is a journal of my thoughts and feelings and at that moment, that was the truth at that moment. I am going to say I wish that the chaos would shut up, go away and leave me alone. I don't want to play anymore. I hate that I can't control it and I can't tell what is really happening. My lack of any accurate perception of reality leads me to say things that hurt people. In just over a week, I've gone after both Jenn and Nick. These are people who I love and who love me. Yet the chaos makes me doubt them.

I love Nick even if I have to work a little bit harder to keep the house organized (that part was true). I'm hoping that I have the rest of my life to teach him to be able to pick up after himself.

We've reached a vital point where everybody around me is seeing that I need professional help. And I want professional help. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. I need to learn how to live with this disease. It's not going to go away. I've accepted that.
Jenn has started to advocate for me, or at least point me in the right direction. I know that I need to be the one to call in order to get the process started. In under 24 hours she has provided me with multiple leads. Now I just need to buck up and get on the phone. And I'm terrified. I don't know why but lately the idea of calling somebody I don't know, even if I have a really good reason to do it, terrifies me. I've been putting everything off until the very last minute. Until I absolutely have to do it.
I'm so scared that I won't be able to find the help that I need. I know that I need to do this. I know I do. I hate this uncontrollable, unreasonable fear. The worst that could happen is that they say that they can't help. Maybe they would even point me in the next direction. Maybe not. I know that trying can't hurt. But I'm terrified. Maybe I could start this process by email. I can email without fear or meet somebody face to face. But to call them is paralyzing. I wish it wasn't.

Now that I've talked that in a complete circle, I'm going to see what I can find online. Wish me luck and remember, this is a start. Until I gain some confidence or reach a road block that says I have to call.

The Man that I Need

I don't know what else to do. I don't know how else to word it. I can't seem to get through to him. I can't seem to make a difference or make him actually listen to what I need to say.

I need him to spend time with me.
Every day he comes home from work. He may sit with me for a minute. Then he goes to the office to play on his computer and I don't see him again for the rest of the evening. I go to bed. He goes to bed. He falls right asleep and we don't have pillow talk. We do eat dinner together but if I'm not finished when he is, he just wants to get up and run away to the office. Not sit with me while I finish.

He can't manage simple cleaning chores.
When he does the dishes, he can't wipe off all of the counters, stove, and table and quite often he doesn't clean out the sink when he's done. A lot of the dishes aren't clean either and I end up having to rewash them.
When I ask him to clean the bathroom, it takes 2-4 weeks for it to happen even though it really needs to happen within a few days of when I asked. And then he does a half ass job. There is still dirt in there that I can wipe away with my finger. The garbage is never empty. The base of the toilet is never cleaned. And the floor is never washed.
If I ask him to clean the kitchen (take the stove apart and clean it, spot wash the cabinets, give the microwave a good wiping,...)... I've only asked him to do this once since we moved in here. And a month an a half later, I did it. It got to the point that I was worried about the food that was being prepared in that kitchen.
There is a trail that goes through my house. He'll pick something up, think of something else, go to retrieve that, put thing 1 in thing 2's spot and never go back to put thing 1 in it's own spot. Nothing has a home with him. There is stuff everywhere and if I don't stay on top of it for a few days, it takes me quite a while to straiten stuff up. There are lots of times when I can't find something that I'm looking for because he never put it away.

He doesn't respond when I talk.
If we're talking about something deeper than what happened that day, he will shut down when I talk to him. I'll tell him that something is making me feel some way and I'll be met with a blank stare if I'm not ignored all together.

I feel like a monster and a maid. He doesn't want to spend time with me or listen to me when I have something to say. If I wasn't here, he would live in a pig sty and never know where anything is!

He's the man I want to marry. Aside from the above faults, he's everything I wished for in my life partner. And some of the above faults (he really is a slob) is just lately and hasn't been forever. In other words, they are stuff that can be worked on and worked out.
But I don't feel like he wants to marry me. I don't feel like he's ever going to ask. I know we said that we would wait until after we were done school (another 5 years away) but I don't have any reassurance that it is actually going to happen.
I'm worried that we are going to move to Calgary (for any who don't know, I'm going there for him. I could do my schooling here but the program that he wants to take is offered in Calgary and on the East coast) and then he's going to change his mind and leave me. I've shown my commitment by saying that I'm going to follow him half way across the province but he hasn't offered me anything that shows his commitment.

I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to say.

Now, on to a funeral.
Great way to start a rough day, eh?

I am deaf and hoarse

Last night was the Nickleback concert. Amazing.

Let me start at the beginning before I get too ahead of myself.

The concert was scheduled to start at 6:15PM. So we arrived at Rexall Place at about 5:50. I figured that this would be lots of time to get inside and find our seats before the show started. Man, was I wrong. There were huge line ups at every door. So we picked the shortest line up that we could find and waited like all the other human-cattle. None of the lines moved at all. I don't know when they finally opened the doors but we didn't get inside until 6:55PM. It was crazy!!! By the time we got in there, we missed State of Shock and half of Puddle of Mud's sets. I was so pissed off and really wanted to give somebody a piece of my mind. I don't know who State of Shock is or what they sound like and I'm not a big fan of Puddle of Mud. It was the principle of the matter and not so much that I felt hugely ripped by not seeing them.

Daughtery (Chris Daughtery off American Idol a year and a bit ago - I'm not 100% how to spell his last name, I would have to look it up) was good. The instruments/voice was not balanced properly. The instruments were so loud that if he was singing quietly, you couldn't make out what he was saying and the lead guitar, specifically, was so loud that it really grated on my nerves. Over all, good. I would love to go and see him again when he has more experience performing. I find that a lot of young artists hide behind their bands until they gain more confidence.

Shortly after 9PM, Nickleback hit the stage. Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! It was one hell of a party! By the 3rd song, I wanted to stand up and dance along but I was in a section that wasn't standing so I had to wait. This is the story of my life at concerts. About half way through some people were standing so I thought, "To hell with it" and stood up. They were on the stage until almost 11PM.

By the time it was all said and done, I couldn't hear a thing, I was hoarse from screaming so hard, and I was soaking wet from dancing along. I had a quick shower when I got home and something to drink. 2 problems down. Now, if only the walls would quit making noise (the reverse of true noise that happens when your eardrums have been over exposed - think of the spot you see on the inside of your eyelids when you look into a light).

I was so impressed with Nickleback that I wasn't even that upset about not seeing the opening bands. Well worth every penny and I would totally do it again even if the getting in was such a mess again.

(Cautionary note for anybody thinking of going and seeing this concert - don't take young children with you. Some of the content is not appropriate)

Concerts I've seen to date - In order of best to worst.

1. Dixie Chicks / Nickleback
1. The Chicks had more energy but Nickleback was just rocking awesome.
2. Great Big Sea
1. It's just one big kitchen party
3. Avril Lavine
4. Guess Who
5. Toby Keith
1. I was so unimpressed with him that I can't even listen to his music anymore. When he was scheduled to start playing, he wasn't even in the building yet and then he only sang his songs half-heartedly. I'm glad that I didn't pay for this one.

I think I may have seen one other but I can't remember who it is. I would most definitely pay the money to go and see GBS, Dixie Chicks, or Nickleback again.

Woot for great concerts!

RIP Eva Hansen

So it finally happened. Grandma passed away Saturday morning. Mom called me about it while I was hanging out with Jenn. Nick came and picked me up and we went and visited with my family. The funeral is going to be held Thursday.

I have yet to really react to this yet. My conscious mind knows that she's gone and I'm never going to get to laugh with her again until I pass on. The deeper parts of me don't want to admit it yet. They keep telling me that she is in the hospital, just like I left her. It's going to really hurt when this comes crashing down on me. It may not happen until Thursday.

I hate the chaos in my head

I'm sorry Jenn.

She emailed me last night on facebook and talked about her side. The chaos had blown a little tiny, unintended nothing into something that was so huge and consuming that it was nearly fatal to a friendship. It is true that we have been neglecting each other lately. But it wasn't intentional on either part.

I hate the chaos. I hate the fact that the emotions are so huge over something so tiny. I hate the fact that I can't judge what a situation is really worth. I hate over reacting when I shouldn't. I hate not having the control over that.

I'm looking forward to the party this evening and getting to see Jenn and getting to celebrate with her. :)

Uncensored

This is my blog and my thought diary, yet I find myself hesitant to write things down here. I'm scared that somebody might read it and decide that they are mad at me over it. Or worse yet, that I might hurt somebody. I don't know why it's such a big deal not to hurt people when I'm not feeling balanced but it is. Everything in my world is such pain. And I seem to hurt people anyway. And I don't want to.

I'm not censoring this any more. This is my thought process as it happens, or at least that was the intention of this blog, and I haven't been writing things as they are. I've been censoring them because I am scared of who is going to read them. I can't do that any more. Its not true to the theory of this project and its not true to myself.

Ever since I wrote that speal about Jenn, I've been thinking "why didn't I put this in there?" or "why didn't I put that in there?" Not everything I wanted to say that day was nice and polite, yet I tried to keep it that way. There are somethings that I'm glad I didn't write in there. I was really mad that day. I was really hurt. Now I've had some time to think. I'm still really hurt but I'm not so mad.

I don't feel like I'm important to somebody who is supposed to be my best friend. Everybody else seemed to know about this job Tuesday night. (Congratulations Jenn. You are going to make a great teacher. I really mean that!) Jenn sent me an email this afternoon, on facebook. It reads:

Hi Mel!
I got a job teaching grade 7 & 8 band and grade 9 social studies at _____ school (Jenn has asked me to remove the school name). I am very excited!

That's it. Everybody else who I know is important to her got a phone call Tuesday night. Everybody else got to hear it from her lips. I got a 2 sentence email 48hours after it happened and I had to read the details in Owen's blog.
Warning: The chaos in my head may be telling me that this is a big deal when really it's not. But right now, I feel like it's a big deal to me. I need somebody to act like a mirror and tell me what's true. I don't trust my own emotions right now.

Sorry, I'm crying.

I'm so scared that I'm going to loose my best friend. Somebody who I want so bad to rely on. Now I'm so scared to open up to her again. I'm scared that she is going to turn her back on me.

I don't know why it happens. Every time I get sick, I seem to loose friends. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. The chaos in my head tells me that its me who is doing something wrong. But nobody bothers to tell me what I'm doing. Then just walk away without another word. They stop returning emails. They stop calling. They stop answering their phones. They even stop returning messages that I leave for them. They just walk away and write me out of their lives. Out of everybody I've ever called a friend, ever given my heart to, I seem to have lost most of them. I'm down to Amanda, Jenn (who I've lost once), Jocelyn (who I've lost once), Owen, Nick, and Mark (who I've very nervous about handing my heart over to). That's the only people left on my list. Everybody else left by their choosing. Correction, there are a couple who I have forced out of my life, but they lost my respect for good reason. I'm so confused because nobody has ever told me the reason.

I have a brave new plan that hopefully will get a discussion going between Jenn and me. I'm going to phone her, ask her to read this, and then have her phone me back. Then I know that at least what I need to say is being heard. I have to try. I can't show up at the party tomorrow without trying because I'll burst into tears and then hit a self-defensive rage. I know I will. And nobody needs to see that.

I'm debating even going to the party.

PS. August 9th will be exactly 2months since last I saw Jenn. I understand that we've both been busy but we haven't been keeping touch either. I don't understand why she doesn't call. (Read my previous entry as to why I think I don't call people. I think its a poor excuse but I makes sense in my head until I think to hard about it. But I still can't seem to do it.)

Here goes nothing. Wish me luck.

Quick update: I did it. I called her. She wasn't home. I was hoping that she would be. I left her a message. I asked her to read this, think about it for a little while and give me a call. I hope this works.

Deeply hurt

Jenn has a new job. She finally got a teaching position, I think. I don't really know. She never called me, or emailed me, or anything. I found out first thing this morning when I checked facebook and saw that her status had been updated with this information. I thought I would contact her (via facebook wall) and ask for the details. I thought that this would show that I was trying to believe in our friendship.

Turns out that I got invited to the party on Friday before I even know the details of what we are celebrating. That tells me that this isn't new news, like first thing this morning. There has already been time to plan a party. Jocelyn called me at ~11:30 this morning to tell me that Jenn's mom had planned this party. I'm still not even sure what we're celebrating. But everybody seems so excited.

I'm really significantly hurt. I truly feel like Jenn doesn't want me to be a part of her life. Like I don't have enough in my life to mourn at. She'll say to my face that our friendship is important yet she doesn't invite me into her life. I don't want to stand on the outside any longer, being ignored. The pain of it makes me want to lash out with anger. To say things that I don't truly mean just to hurt her as bad as she is hurting me. It's taking a lot of control to not do that. To not write something nasty here that is designed to hurt her. Probably something that I couldn't take back.

If she doesn't want me, I wish she would just tell me. I hate being led on. I hate being pulled around where words say one thing and actions say another. If you mean what you say, then back it up with actions.

I figured out why I don't call people. When I'm sick, my world is filled with pain. I want to protect people, especially those that I love, from being sucked into that pain. I don't want to invite them into a world filled with pain.
It doesn't mean that I don't want to be part of their world. I can still celebrate with them or mourn with them as the situation requires. I'm still sensitive to other peoples needs. Actually, its a nice distraction from my own world. Call me.
If I'm comfortable and I don't feel like I'm going to overwhelm somebody with it, I may let you into my world. You may have to ask and you have to be aware of what you are asking to see. You have know that the worst that can happen is that I won't be able to control it and you may end up hurt. I would never hurt somebody with this intentionally but if I open up, it could happen. Talk to me about it. It wasn't intentional.

At some point I'm going to have to make a decision. Do I work to maintain Jenn as part of my life or do I let it slip away? This isn't going to be an easy decision to make. I'm fairly good friends with Jocelyn and Owen is one of Nick's closest friends. I don't want to wreck the rest of these relationships. I don't want to loose Joce as a friend. I couldn't ask Nick to give up Owen or vice versa. It's bad enough that I feel like I'm going to loose Owen as a friend as well if I decide that I need to server things with Jenn. I'll get to mourn for both of them in my life. At the same time, I can't keep standing on the outside wishing that she would let me in. It hurts. And that pain won't go away until quite a while after I remove the offending object. But without it getting reinjured, slowly it won't hurt as bad.

I've lost Jenn as a friend once (and I think it happened much this way) and don't know how to proceed this time. There is so much more at stake.

Why do friends always seem to walk away? It is like people choose to write me out of their lives. There are very few people that I have been close to for any extended amount of time. The usual range is 1.5 years to 3-4 years. And then they quit talking to me. It hurts every time somebody walks away without explaining why they are going and how they are feeling. I miss them but I can never figure out why they walked away. I really wish they would explain.

No Drumheller for me

So the weekend plans have become official. Or at least to the extent that I'm not going to Drumheller. Mom doesn't feel right about leaving town with Grandma the way she is and everybody (my Dad, my Aunt,...) taking Grandma's passing really hard.

Grandma update:
I didn't go see her Tuesday. And I probably won't go see her ever again. She is loosing the awareness of what is going on around her. Mom says that she can't talk anymore. She has lost the coordination of the muscles in her throat. She can barely keep her eyes open.
Mom said that the other day Grandma said, "It's time to go home."
We're within days now of her passing.

Weekend catch up

I ment to keep writing all weekend but it was busy and then the new book showed up. I'll get to that.

Friday:
After my post, I ended up talking with Amanda and Jenn and Owen by phone. All to make plans for Saturday but was it ever good to hear thier voices.
After Nick got home from his football game, he decided that we should go to chapters on Calgary trail. He was taking his little brother to buy his copy of Harry Potter. He's such a good big brother. Then he decided that he needed to buy a copy of the book for himself because he didn't want to wait for me to finish before he could read it. And we wonder why the author is so rich.
Saturday:
Went to Moma Mia with Amanda. What an amazing show. I was dancing in my seat the entire time. Next time it is town, I'm inviting everybody to go with me. And I highly recommend that we go because it was simply amazing.
Then Mandy and I went for dinner at Gabbana (11223 Jasper Avenue) for supper. It comes highly recommended from Nick and Mark. They have terrible ceasar salad, awsome green onion cakes with this yummy sun-dried tomatoe sauce, but thier lemon chicken sounded so good on the menu but tasted like chicken balls. It was even deep fried. Not remotely what I wanted. I don't know if I would go back.
Later on that evening we had decided to go to a movie. It was an "everybody is invited" type of affair. Jenn and Owen decided not to come because Jenn had an intense head ache. Understandable. Jocelyn, Mark, Nick and I ended up going to Ratatouille. Another movie that needs to join the collection when it comes out on video. But it happened to be in the coldest theater. And with my house being a comfortable temperature, I forgot to bring my sweater. I froze. Joce took pitty on me and handed over her sweater because she wasn't nearly as cold. Thanks Joce, I really appreciate it.
Sunday:
Finally opened Harry Potter (my copy was delivered to my parents house on Saturday; I had pre-ordered it the day the date was released). And didn't do much else.

Mood update:
It is so strange right now. I'm okay (a little down but highly functional) all day. For the last couple of days, I start to feel "sad" around supper time and the feeling builds until by bed time I feel so hopeless and hugely sad that if I was to wake up like that the next day, I wouldn't be able to function. But I wake up the following morning back at okay. It's reall wierd and has happened for quite a few days in a row.
I upped my dose of my meds this morning (every monday I'm getting to up them for 4 weeks; this is week 3). Let's hope that everything continues to improve.

Grandma update:
Not well.
Mom and I have had a trip to Drumheller planned for next weekend for a long time. When we found out that Grandma's cancer was back, that trip went to tentative depending on how she was doing. As of this morning, the trip went to the "highly unlikely to cancelled" type range. I know we will rebook.
Mom said that Grandma had a really rough weekend. Her ability to swallow is pretty much completely gone. Previously, most of what she was eating was ending up in her lungs but now she's choking on it. She can't even get pudding down and it is one of the easiest things to swallow. Mom also says that Grandma has decided that she doesn't want visitors aside from immediate family. I can't blame her for that. Grandma is sleeping a lot now.
I'm going to go up right after work tomorrow and visit with her for a short time. If I go back up on Thursday will depend on how she's doing. If she isn't aware of who is around her anymore, than I won't be going. But I have a feeling that my visit on Tuesday might be the last and if I go see her on Thursay, it will 90% be the last one unless she completely rebounds.
This isn't easy.

Friday night home alone

I'm home alone on a Friday night with nothing to do. I'm not going to waste the time. I'm going to clean the house so the rest of my weekend is free.

I revoke the whole birthday present thing. All I want for my birthday is my drivers license. Nobody seems to eager to offer to teach me to drive so I want money so that I can pay somebody (AMA) to teach me to drive. If I can get that for my birthday, it would feel so good. Here's a new record for you: I've had my learners for 7 years as of my birthday. Isn't that disgusting? I feel like somebody (probably my parents) failed me while I was growing up in not helping me get this accomplished. Now I need to raise a lot of money so that I can go and get this accomplished for myself.

Then maybe I wouldn't be sitting around on a Friday evening by myself. Nick went to the football game with his family. I don't feel right about calling my friends and saying "Let do something but you have to pick me up because I'm not talented enough to be able to drive a car."

Nick already said that he would add me to the insurance for the car. It will be good. Then we can go out in the evening without having to worry about how much Nick had to drink. I'll just drive home. I don't have to worry about drinking and driving.

I kind of miss drinking. Correction, I miss drinking wine. Good wine. I miss drinking wine with Mark. He always picked amazing wines. I was starting to get a real appreciation for wine.
... The pills I'm on don't say directly on them that I can't drink. Maybe eventually I'll hit a point where I feel stable enough that I would be able to have a small glass of wine with supper. I would really like that.

Update on my meds

I think we finally found a good combination. My moods are becoming less erratic and I'm feeling more focused. This is the point of meds. I just hope that I can reach the effective dose soon and really get back to living life in all of its joys and sorrows.

Birthday presents

Everybody is always bugging me about what I want for my birthday. It takes me for ever to think of a list or even some ideas. I've decided that as I come up with them, I'm going to post them so that I don't forget them.

• Drivers license
• Desk Chair
• Jewelery (I have a wish list at www.ice.com for samples, just for style ideas)
• Wish list at http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/
• A set of good knives with whet stone
• A nice bowl (v.Large) that I can put out on my table with fruit in it.
• Art
• A new digital camera (Mine has a really slow shutter speed and can't handle candid photos. 5X or more digital zoom. 7+MP. Rechargeable batteries. Not one that runs on AAs because cameras that do just eat them. Image stabilization and a sort of auto focus. My current camera you have to hold the button to see if it's in focus. No candid shots.)
• A small, stylish wall clock for in my office. Pick one that doesn't tick loudly (or doesn't have an audible tick). This is a room I try to concentrate in.
• Leather Jacket
• Dirty Dancing (the movie) - I would have added it to the chapters list but the system wouldn't let me.
• Marlee Scott's CDs
• Rumolli (spelling?)
• Backgamon
• IPod - http://www.bestbuy.ca/catalog/proddetail.asp?sku_id=0926INGFS10092770&catid=24613&logon=&langid=EN

I had more ideas than that but of course I have forgotten them at this exact moment. I will keep updating this post as I think of them.

And another car alarms goes beep in the night

Once again, my sleep was disturbed in the middle of the night by a car alarm. With the recent events of us being broken into a couple of times, I woke up and was quite concerned. Actually, it took me about an hour to get to sleep again. I wanted to run downstairs and check on the car but then I thought "A girl running into guys who are already up to no good, all by herself, in the middle of the night." I decided to stay in bed. But I did check this morning. Good news: It wasn't our car, this time. Am I ever tired.

Cyclothymia vs BPII

According to the official US definition as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association, Cyclothymic Disorder - also called Cyclothymia - is "a chronic, fluctuating mood disturbance involving numerous periods of hypomanic symptoms and numerous periods of depressive symptoms."

According to the official US definition as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association, Bipolar II Disorder is "characterized by one or more Major Depressive Episodes accompanied by at least one Hypomanic Episode." The key difference between Bipolar I and Bipolar II is that Bipolar II has hypomanic but not manic episodes.

I'm not sure which I qualify for but both are treated the same way. Guess I'm covered.

Jenn, I miss you.

I seem to be missing one of my best friends, Jenn. Last time I saw her I believe was Jocelyn's party at the beginning of June. Wow, that was a long time ago. I don't hear from her much and seem to keep missing all of the group activities because I'm already busy. But most of my really close friends know what my plans look like most weekends and usually a few weeks in advance. She doesn't call me. I don't know why. I know I'm just as guilty as her on this topic and I can't tell you why I don't call.

Today: I had purposely called Jenn (roughly 12PM) because I hadn't seen her in a really long time. I happen to be in town and free this evening. I realize that she may not have been free, which it turns out, she wasn't. She had a family thing tonight and needs to be in church early tomorrow so needed to call it an early night. With her living in Spruce Grove, that means we don't typically get together unless we can all do a later evening. So me and Nick went for a late lunch after being up at the hospital to visit with Grandma. We had stopped at Mark's Work Wearhouse, too. We got home again about 5:30-ish. Nick decided he wanted a nap. I went and lied down with him because I love laying beside him. I fell right asleep even though I didn't mean to. Jenn had called me ~7PM to say that Joce was coming over and they were all headed to the pool to try and beat the heat. I woke up about 7:30 and didn't realize that she called. Checking the phone isn't the first thing I do. Joce called ~8 as they were all about to get in the pool. Nick and I toyed with the idea of driving all the way out to the Grove to join them. By the time we got ready and got all the way out there, it would have easily been 9PM. The pool closes at 9. And Jenn doesn't want a late evening so there wasn't any point in going out there.

The way it could have worked: I'm assuming that Jenn's family thing would have been in Edmonton since all of the family I know of lives in Edmonton. She could have said that she didn't know how late the family thing would have ran. They could have brought their swim stuff with them on the idea that if it didn't go really disgustingly late, they could have come over here and we could have gone swimming at one of the pools in Edmonton. Or we could have set up with different plans. *Shrugs*

Actually, now that I stop and think about it, it seems like I'm the last to know when something is going on in any of my best friends lives. Joce tells Jenn. Jenn tell Joce. Owen tells Nick. Amanda tells... I hear about quite a bit here but I don't know if I'm the first to know. And since most of the news is a couple weeks old, I doubt it.

Wow, don't I feel super close to my best friends.

PS. Next Saturday is Moma Mia with Amanda.
The Saturday after I'll be in Drumheller with my Mom. (Assuming that nothing happens right before that with Grandma)

In case anybody is wondering why we don't get together on Fridays, I don't really know. We would have to get together in Edmonton. My place would probably work best. The reason: Nick works late and we never know how late until that afternoon. Sometimes he has to work till 3:30 but there are days where he's not home till 8. *shrugs* Again, I don't know.

Transformers

We went and saw transformers on Friday night. An awesome movie! Go see it on the big screen. You need the big screen to get all of the effects.
Most definitely one I'm going to add to my collection when it comes out on DVD.

And another window turns into so many pieces of broken glass

The car got broken into again. This time one of the little back windows. This is now the second time that we have been broken into and we only moved into this apartment at the end of April.

Nick has promised that he would get hold of the landlords and talk to them about it. I doubt anything will happen or change. These landlords know that they have us by the short and curlies. There isn't anywhere else to rent. There isn't any other place to go. If there was, I would probably be championing moving.

I hope that Nick can handle this. I have enough on my plate with being sick and Grandma being in the hospital. If I have to get involved, I'm probably not going to make the situation any better. I can just imagine me yelling at the landlady because she doesn't care and the chaos in my head says that this is a big deal.

Please Nick. Get assertive and get the job done.

To see people or to not see people; that is the question

Right now, with being so far out of balance, my agoraphobia is in full swing. It's making me just want to sit at home and pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist. But it doesn't work like that. I have things to do. People want to see me. People I haven't seen in a really long time want to get together for coffee. I've gotten as far as being able to see really close friends but I can't bring myself to get together with people I haven't seen in a while. I know that everything would be okay once I met up with them but the anxiety is so high that I can't force myself to make plans. For those who are falling into the category, I'm sorry. It's not that I don't want to get together. Be patient. This too shall pass. The agoraphobia is a lot less when I'm balanced. I wish I could tell you "give me 2 weeks" or "give me a month" but I can't. It may be a couple of weeks; It may be a couple of months.

Even if I was out with "safe" people, I can't decide what to do. The only thing I know that I want to do right now is see the new Harry Potter movie. The desire is there but still somebody else is going to have to say "I'm going to see HP. Would you like to come?"

I hate this!

English Course

I started my English course for my next university degree. I'm so far behind where I wanted to be. My books arrived about June 10. My official start date was July 1. I figured I would get ahead. I set reasonable goals. I got right after it. The doctor put me on Tropamax which took away my ability to think. It all had to get set aside. I started working on it again on Tuesday night. I'm worried that the stress assoicated with Grandma is going to make it difficult to get as much done as I want to. It's nice to know that I have until the end of December to finish the course but I don't want to take that long. I would like to get a couple of other courses out of the way before I actually attend the UofC in Fall08.

Grandma

Our valient warrior is fighting again. The cancer is back. This time it's in her liver and pancrease. Usually, by the time it can affect the liver, it is pretty much through out the entire body.

She has been in the hospital since last Friday. Everybody around her made her go in. She wasn't given to many choices about this. She is having trouble eating and staying hydrated so the hospital decided to keep her. She had a biopsy done yesterday. We should get the results in about a week. The treatment options are very limited this time. She's not strong enough for most of the standard cancer treatments.

If my phone is off, I'm probably in the hospital. Leave a message. I'll phone you back. I don't promise that it will be right away. Being sick when this started, going up to the hospital leaves me really emotionally drained.

Agoraphobia

I just recently found out that agoraphobia is common among bipolar people. I have suffered from it for years but didn't realize that it could be related.

For those of you who don't know:
Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder which primarily consists of the fear of experiencing a difficult or embarrassing situation from which the sufferer cannot escape. As a result, severe sufferers of Agoraphobia may become confined to their homes, experiencing difficulty traveling from this "safe place". - Wikipedia

For those who know me, I suffer from this to a point where, when I'm unstable, I don't like going anywhere by myself. Having somebody that I trust with me helps keep me calm but I still can't handle crowds well. K-days (or the Ex or what ever they call it now) is out of the question. West Edmonton Mall on a Saturday is extremely stressful and not something that I can usually do.

But I know it's something that I have to account for and am learning to live with it.