Yesterday was the third pole dancing lesson. Because I strained my shoulder last week and I didn't want to re-injure it, I felt like I was cheating all class. I didn't do the pole slide or the fireman spin. I didn't do the full motion in the cat set on the floor. But the funniest thing that hurt the most: Running my hands across my body. There was something in the way my shoulder had to rotate that caused a little bit of pain. But I need to step it up a little bit this week. I felt so weak on top of the shoulder. I took last week to easy.
My sore places this week: Inside, outside, back, and front of my left hip and both of my hamstrings. It's kind of puzzling that it's always something different that hurts each week. I'm not sure how we find new muscles when we do the same stuff each week but we do.
I'm just going to put the update about the rest of my week into this entry because I don't feel like writing multiple ones today.
I had my doctors appointment on Wednesday. (My supervisor must wonder why it is that I have appointments every Wednesday in a month except one, but she doesn't ask.) We are maintaining the level of the stabilizer that I'm on (its like lamicatol but I'm not sure about the spelling) but we are now adding celexa (an antidepressant). Hopefully we can stop these slumps and improve my ability to concentrate by the time I go back to school. Cross you fingers.
When I go to the doctors, I always get myself weighed. I make a point of not owning a scale. I would watch it way to much. But I do make a point of getting weighed monthly when I have my doctors visit. Some of the drugs that you go on when you're bipolar (or depressed or have any other mental illness) can make you gain or loose weight rapidly. It's good to check regularly therefore. But what I'm doing seems to be working. The eating right and watching my portion size, the pole dancing, the 500 stairs a day Monday to Friday, and any other exercise I can manage to fit in. I've lost 6 pounds! But I've put on muscle so it's probably more fat weight than that. Woo Hoo!!!! Some people may not think that 6 pounds is a lot but between the completely sedentary job that I have and the gaining possibilities of the drugs, I'm really excited about 6 pounds. Hopefully the scale reads even better next month. I really need to go clothes shopping. Especially for pants. My pants are so big that they are falling off of my hips and if I pull them out (so they are tight against my back) it looks like I could almost fit 2 of me in there. Go me. Shopping - 2 weeks; after I get my next budgeted amount for clothing. I'm trying hard to be good to my budget.
In other news, I hate pharmacies! I'm currently using the shoppers drug mart by my house and they f*cked up again! They had written the directions on my prescription wrong (take 1 pill once a day). Since I'm taking 2 pills twice a day, I'm running out of them faster than they think I should. And because they wrote it wrong, my coverage doesn't want to let me have more till the 3 month mark (I received a prescription for 100 tablets). So I'm going to have to force them to correct this with the insurance company and then get the pills. Then I'm changing pharmacies. There is a rexall down the street as well and it's nice and quite. Hopefully they're competent as well. Wish me luck on this front. I hate pharmacies!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Pole Dancing - lesson 2
So saturday was the second pole dancing lesson. The fun this week - The Fireman Spin. It's like sliding around in a firehouse except I don't think those good looking studs can make it look this sexy. ;)
And I'm hooked. The right music comes on and I want to do hip circles. Hell, Saturday night I went to bed dancing. I have proven that you can do hip circles while lying in bed. I couldn't stop.
And I'm battered and bruised.
Bruises: Both knees - They are just starting to go purple, they were still red yesterday; A second one below my left knee cap; Across my right shin - I think I kicked the pole while learning the spin.
Battered: I could barely move Sunday when I woke up. Let's cover a short list. My forearms. My upper arms, biceps and triceps. My shoulders. Joce, how many muscle groups are there in that area, because they all hurt. The small of my back, My hips, My thighs. And my abs. My abs hurt so bad. The good news, most of it feels much better by this point. The bad. I think I strained the muscle in my left shoulder. The one that caps the shoulder joint and inserts on to the (name of long bone in the upper arm - duh) just under the upper parts of the bicep and tricep and onto the scapula. Joce, help me out here. Do you have a clue what I'm talking about. Anyways, it hurts. It's now Monday and its the only muscle that is still trying to make me cry. Hopefully it heals fast.
I can't wait for next week.
And I'm hooked. The right music comes on and I want to do hip circles. Hell, Saturday night I went to bed dancing. I have proven that you can do hip circles while lying in bed. I couldn't stop.
And I'm battered and bruised.
Bruises: Both knees - They are just starting to go purple, they were still red yesterday; A second one below my left knee cap; Across my right shin - I think I kicked the pole while learning the spin.
Battered: I could barely move Sunday when I woke up. Let's cover a short list. My forearms. My upper arms, biceps and triceps. My shoulders. Joce, how many muscle groups are there in that area, because they all hurt. The small of my back, My hips, My thighs. And my abs. My abs hurt so bad. The good news, most of it feels much better by this point. The bad. I think I strained the muscle in my left shoulder. The one that caps the shoulder joint and inserts on to the (name of long bone in the upper arm - duh) just under the upper parts of the bicep and tricep and onto the scapula. Joce, help me out here. Do you have a clue what I'm talking about. Anyways, it hurts. It's now Monday and its the only muscle that is still trying to make me cry. Hopefully it heals fast.
I can't wait for next week.
Monday, October 15, 2007
School causes stress
Last entry. I promise. But start at the beginning of todays entries (Pole Dancing - Lesson 1). Then read up the page. It will make more sense this way.
School causes stress. Even when you're not registered yet.
I decided that since Nick isn't ready, I'm going to take two years and do my BComm at the UofA. Great. Perfect. This will work wonderfully.
Read a little further and look over my grades again and uh-oh. I don't think I have enough of a GPA to be competitive and get into the department. This sucks.
So before this week is out, I'm going to go and talk to an adviser in the faculty of Business. Bye-Bye lunch hour. Until then, I'll just keep checking the anxiety box on my mood chart.
School causes stress. Even when you're not registered yet.
I decided that since Nick isn't ready, I'm going to take two years and do my BComm at the UofA. Great. Perfect. This will work wonderfully.
Read a little further and look over my grades again and uh-oh. I don't think I have enough of a GPA to be competitive and get into the department. This sucks.
So before this week is out, I'm going to go and talk to an adviser in the faculty of Business. Bye-Bye lunch hour. Until then, I'll just keep checking the anxiety box on my mood chart.
Marry me... Maybe
Nick and I talk about getting married. We both truly want it to happen. But he's nervous. I don't blame him.
Quite a while ago, he said it was because we couldn't afford the wedding we wanted. Yes, we've talked about it that in depth.
Last week, as I was thinking about the upcoming schooling, I realized that if we waited till we were done school and gave ourselves a year to save up some money, we wouldn't be getting married for another 8 years. 8 years. So I told him that I didn't care about the wedding itself. Let's have something simple now and we'll have a 10 year anniversary that looks like our original wedding plans. It would happen about the same time. Then the truth came out.
Nick isn't really good at articulating his feelings. Not the deep ones. So there was a couple days of confusion and strong emotions and tension between us.
It started as him not being sure that I wouldn't snap or breakdown on our future kids. Except he worded it in a way that made me feel like he wasn't sure that he wanted me to be the mother of his kids and kids are ubber important to him. He wants a family very badly. It hurt, coming out like that. I cried so hard that my eyes hurt the next day at work.
So we talked about it again. And it started to take a little bit more of a shape. And seemed a little bit nicer.
And we talked and we talked. And it got better.
Saturday (this is the part I kept promising in my last post, if you're reading them backwards even though I'm going to tell you not to at the beginning of my next post) Jenn hauled me into a bridal shop. I was so hesitant! And it hurt because of what was going on between Nick and I. I know it wasn't intentional. She had no idea as to what was going on at home. And then it was wedding-this and wedding-that. And I melted over the next stress point - Nick going shopping.
After J/J/O left, Nick and I got to talking one more time. And I finally figured it out. He does intend to marry me. He does intend to have kids with me. He knows that right now I'm battling the bipolar and learning how to live with it. He wants to wait though because he wants to see me beat this. At least to a point where I'm stable and happy again. (I always think that I look eternally sad whenever I catch sight of myself in a mirror. I've been avoiding them.) Healing when you fall seriously out of it takes so long. But I know it's getting better. (I know that as it stands I need to add something to the drug mix. Next doctors appointment) But it's slow. And I'm trying to do it right this time to try and prevent another episode. I don't want to go through this again. I'm pretty sure that Nick and my friends don't either. Once is enough for most people. This is now twice for me. Except this time I remember what it feels like to be truly happy and positive. Okay. Off topic.
The point is, Nick wants to wait. I understand why. I still have a lingering fear that he's going to leave because he can't handle the bipolar. But I know that I just need to trust. That for now I just need to love him and let him love me. Plus, if I quiet and wait on the topic, he'll get the chance to do something romantic and propose.
Quite a while ago, he said it was because we couldn't afford the wedding we wanted. Yes, we've talked about it that in depth.
Last week, as I was thinking about the upcoming schooling, I realized that if we waited till we were done school and gave ourselves a year to save up some money, we wouldn't be getting married for another 8 years. 8 years. So I told him that I didn't care about the wedding itself. Let's have something simple now and we'll have a 10 year anniversary that looks like our original wedding plans. It would happen about the same time. Then the truth came out.
Nick isn't really good at articulating his feelings. Not the deep ones. So there was a couple days of confusion and strong emotions and tension between us.
It started as him not being sure that I wouldn't snap or breakdown on our future kids. Except he worded it in a way that made me feel like he wasn't sure that he wanted me to be the mother of his kids and kids are ubber important to him. He wants a family very badly. It hurt, coming out like that. I cried so hard that my eyes hurt the next day at work.
So we talked about it again. And it started to take a little bit more of a shape. And seemed a little bit nicer.
And we talked and we talked. And it got better.
Saturday (this is the part I kept promising in my last post, if you're reading them backwards even though I'm going to tell you not to at the beginning of my next post) Jenn hauled me into a bridal shop. I was so hesitant! And it hurt because of what was going on between Nick and I. I know it wasn't intentional. She had no idea as to what was going on at home. And then it was wedding-this and wedding-that. And I melted over the next stress point - Nick going shopping.
After J/J/O left, Nick and I got to talking one more time. And I finally figured it out. He does intend to marry me. He does intend to have kids with me. He knows that right now I'm battling the bipolar and learning how to live with it. He wants to wait though because he wants to see me beat this. At least to a point where I'm stable and happy again. (I always think that I look eternally sad whenever I catch sight of myself in a mirror. I've been avoiding them.) Healing when you fall seriously out of it takes so long. But I know it's getting better. (I know that as it stands I need to add something to the drug mix. Next doctors appointment) But it's slow. And I'm trying to do it right this time to try and prevent another episode. I don't want to go through this again. I'm pretty sure that Nick and my friends don't either. Once is enough for most people. This is now twice for me. Except this time I remember what it feels like to be truly happy and positive. Okay. Off topic.
The point is, Nick wants to wait. I understand why. I still have a lingering fear that he's going to leave because he can't handle the bipolar. But I know that I just need to trust. That for now I just need to love him and let him love me. Plus, if I quiet and wait on the topic, he'll get the chance to do something romantic and propose.
Meltdown - Everybody Run
Saturday evening, Jenn, Owen, and Jocelyn were over. Shortly before supper, I went from happy to crying and avoiding. I emotionally melted down. I just wanted to hide. Honestly, I was embarrassed and didn't want anybody to notice that I couldn't manage myself. But they are my best friends. Of course they noticed. I was still melting, although slowing down, by supper time. Finally Jenn said "Mel, you have got to snap out of this". I had to walk away. I had to go and collect myself. But her saying that did it. It got me coming back around. J/J/O: I owe you an explanation and even though it doesn't cover the whole melt down, I think that it was a contributing factor. See next entry... When I came back to the table, I made a point of not letting myself completely wallow. I tried to get involved in the conversation and leave what happened as a meltdown. And I think I succedded to a point. My great friends volunteered to clean up my kitchen. Thanks guys - even though I had a hell of a time finding my cutting boards. :) While they cleaned up, Nick and I had a quiet chat in the bedroom. See next entry. (I'm saying that a lot but it will make sense.) I heard them finishing them up, so Nick and I came out and I was ready to socialize again but they had all decided that they were going to leave. I was kinda disappointed. But in a way it was good. See next entry.
Meltdowns happen. This one started with under lying stress and was triggered because Nick went shopping after I had told the girls all afternoon that I had no money and couldn't go shopping.
But meltdowns happen when you live with bipolar. It's like something in your head suddenly turns and you're no longer in control. The emotion is huge, overwhelming. And if there is people around, I want to go hide. I have lost every friend I have ever had at some point. A few have come back (and I love them dearly) but most haven't. I have hurt everybody who has walked into my life. And I never know what happened. I can't remember it. People will just stop talking to me, just walk away. I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt those that I love and loose them from my life. Those large emotions are wild and I'm not in control at those times. I can say some extremely hurtful things. I don't mean any of it and would have never said it (or at least not like I did at that moment) but I did or could.
When you see the rapid shift, give me a moment. There is a chance I could collect myself five minutes later. After that, come and find me. Talk to me. Leave your emotions at the door. The worst that can happen is that you emotionally respond because my brain is already searching for a reason for this emotion to be happening (Nick is extremely good at this). Be prepared for emotions that could range anywhere from rage to extreme sadness (I'm talking like your mother just died suddenly type). Be prepared for me to tell you that there is no reason because there isn't. It's that simple. Don't push it because if my brain can find a reason for it, than the feeling suddenly becomes legitimated. And I don't want any feeling that big to actually have a reason. I want to keep it as just a feeling. Something that will pass. As I start to calm down, talk to me. I may not want to rejoin the group right away and probably couldn't stand for everybody to come to my aid all at once (pick a representative, you could even take turns). And remember, it will pass and it's not personal, you did nothing to cause this. If I was mad at you, I would come right out and say it. This is different.
Thank you to the best friends somebody could want. Thank you for being supportive. And for being brave enough to speak up when these things happen. I know they make you nervous.
Meltdowns happen. This one started with under lying stress and was triggered because Nick went shopping after I had told the girls all afternoon that I had no money and couldn't go shopping.
But meltdowns happen when you live with bipolar. It's like something in your head suddenly turns and you're no longer in control. The emotion is huge, overwhelming. And if there is people around, I want to go hide. I have lost every friend I have ever had at some point. A few have come back (and I love them dearly) but most haven't. I have hurt everybody who has walked into my life. And I never know what happened. I can't remember it. People will just stop talking to me, just walk away. I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt those that I love and loose them from my life. Those large emotions are wild and I'm not in control at those times. I can say some extremely hurtful things. I don't mean any of it and would have never said it (or at least not like I did at that moment) but I did or could.
When you see the rapid shift, give me a moment. There is a chance I could collect myself five minutes later. After that, come and find me. Talk to me. Leave your emotions at the door. The worst that can happen is that you emotionally respond because my brain is already searching for a reason for this emotion to be happening (Nick is extremely good at this). Be prepared for emotions that could range anywhere from rage to extreme sadness (I'm talking like your mother just died suddenly type). Be prepared for me to tell you that there is no reason because there isn't. It's that simple. Don't push it because if my brain can find a reason for it, than the feeling suddenly becomes legitimated. And I don't want any feeling that big to actually have a reason. I want to keep it as just a feeling. Something that will pass. As I start to calm down, talk to me. I may not want to rejoin the group right away and probably couldn't stand for everybody to come to my aid all at once (pick a representative, you could even take turns). And remember, it will pass and it's not personal, you did nothing to cause this. If I was mad at you, I would come right out and say it. This is different.
Thank you to the best friends somebody could want. Thank you for being supportive. And for being brave enough to speak up when these things happen. I know they make you nervous.
Pole Dancing - Lesson 1
Welcome to the first of today's blogs. I say that because today, I'm writing a whole series. So hold on to your coat tails. We may be in for one wild ride that is going to be a walk through the last few days.
Pole Dancing - Lesson 1
Yes. You read the title right. Me and Jenn and Jocelyn (and a few other friends who didn't show up for who knows what reason) decided we need some fun exercise to do. Pole dancing sounded like fun. Man, I love being liberal. For the next 5 saturdays, from today (6 if you count last saturday) we be going pole dancing. Yes. Like what they do at the strip clubs. Except this is about us. Not about guys (and girls) who just want to have fun. I think this is going to be liberating. Plus I'm finally loosing a bunch of weight so right now is a great time to celebrate living in my body.
Lesson 1 - I hurt! Mostly my triceps.
Lesson 2 - I can't wait.
Pole Dancing - Lesson 1
Yes. You read the title right. Me and Jenn and Jocelyn (and a few other friends who didn't show up for who knows what reason) decided we need some fun exercise to do. Pole dancing sounded like fun. Man, I love being liberal. For the next 5 saturdays, from today (6 if you count last saturday) we be going pole dancing. Yes. Like what they do at the strip clubs. Except this is about us. Not about guys (and girls) who just want to have fun. I think this is going to be liberating. Plus I'm finally loosing a bunch of weight so right now is a great time to celebrate living in my body.
Lesson 1 - I hurt! Mostly my triceps.
Lesson 2 - I can't wait.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
The things we find in our back alley
It's amazing how much less I get to write when I'm not able to do it at work.
A few weeks back we were contemplating going out and spending a small chunk of money on a wine rack. And then we found one out beside the recycling bin. It's just stick construction and only holds 8 bottles of wine. But I'm not complaining in the least. My bottles stopped trying to fall on the floor and it was free.
On Sunday night (Thanksgiving), we were just coming home from dinner at my parents when what should we see. Somebody left me a brand new desk leaning against the support piller by our car in the parkade. Brand new. Still in its flat pack. All we had to do is haul it upstairs and put it together. It was a great construction project for the morning of the holiday Monday. I will post a picture of it later.
In other news. I think I'm going back to school. At the UofA. And we're going to be staying here longer than we first thought. Woo Hoo! I was so apprehensive about going to Calgary for school. I start to bounce when I get stressed out. I wouldn't have any friends, family, or familiar support services there. Plus staying here and doing it cuts 2 years off what I need to do. And it gives Nick time to get his stuff in order for Calgary. He has courses he needs to complete.
But my battery is about to die (I love lap tops). I will tell you more later
A few weeks back we were contemplating going out and spending a small chunk of money on a wine rack. And then we found one out beside the recycling bin. It's just stick construction and only holds 8 bottles of wine. But I'm not complaining in the least. My bottles stopped trying to fall on the floor and it was free.
On Sunday night (Thanksgiving), we were just coming home from dinner at my parents when what should we see. Somebody left me a brand new desk leaning against the support piller by our car in the parkade. Brand new. Still in its flat pack. All we had to do is haul it upstairs and put it together. It was a great construction project for the morning of the holiday Monday. I will post a picture of it later.
In other news. I think I'm going back to school. At the UofA. And we're going to be staying here longer than we first thought. Woo Hoo! I was so apprehensive about going to Calgary for school. I start to bounce when I get stressed out. I wouldn't have any friends, family, or familiar support services there. Plus staying here and doing it cuts 2 years off what I need to do. And it gives Nick time to get his stuff in order for Calgary. He has courses he needs to complete.
But my battery is about to die (I love lap tops). I will tell you more later
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