Uncensored

This is my blog and my thought diary, yet I find myself hesitant to write things down here. I'm scared that somebody might read it and decide that they are mad at me over it. Or worse yet, that I might hurt somebody. I don't know why it's such a big deal not to hurt people when I'm not feeling balanced but it is. Everything in my world is such pain. And I seem to hurt people anyway. And I don't want to.

I'm not censoring this any more. This is my thought process as it happens, or at least that was the intention of this blog, and I haven't been writing things as they are. I've been censoring them because I am scared of who is going to read them. I can't do that any more. Its not true to the theory of this project and its not true to myself.

Ever since I wrote that speal about Jenn, I've been thinking "why didn't I put this in there?" or "why didn't I put that in there?" Not everything I wanted to say that day was nice and polite, yet I tried to keep it that way. There are somethings that I'm glad I didn't write in there. I was really mad that day. I was really hurt. Now I've had some time to think. I'm still really hurt but I'm not so mad.

I don't feel like I'm important to somebody who is supposed to be my best friend. Everybody else seemed to know about this job Tuesday night. (Congratulations Jenn. You are going to make a great teacher. I really mean that!) Jenn sent me an email this afternoon, on facebook. It reads:

Hi Mel!
I got a job teaching grade 7 & 8 band and grade 9 social studies at _____ school (Jenn has asked me to remove the school name). I am very excited!

That's it. Everybody else who I know is important to her got a phone call Tuesday night. Everybody else got to hear it from her lips. I got a 2 sentence email 48hours after it happened and I had to read the details in Owen's blog.
Warning: The chaos in my head may be telling me that this is a big deal when really it's not. But right now, I feel like it's a big deal to me. I need somebody to act like a mirror and tell me what's true. I don't trust my own emotions right now.

Sorry, I'm crying.

I'm so scared that I'm going to loose my best friend. Somebody who I want so bad to rely on. Now I'm so scared to open up to her again. I'm scared that she is going to turn her back on me.

I don't know why it happens. Every time I get sick, I seem to loose friends. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. The chaos in my head tells me that its me who is doing something wrong. But nobody bothers to tell me what I'm doing. Then just walk away without another word. They stop returning emails. They stop calling. They stop answering their phones. They even stop returning messages that I leave for them. They just walk away and write me out of their lives. Out of everybody I've ever called a friend, ever given my heart to, I seem to have lost most of them. I'm down to Amanda, Jenn (who I've lost once), Jocelyn (who I've lost once), Owen, Nick, and Mark (who I've very nervous about handing my heart over to). That's the only people left on my list. Everybody else left by their choosing. Correction, there are a couple who I have forced out of my life, but they lost my respect for good reason. I'm so confused because nobody has ever told me the reason.

I have a brave new plan that hopefully will get a discussion going between Jenn and me. I'm going to phone her, ask her to read this, and then have her phone me back. Then I know that at least what I need to say is being heard. I have to try. I can't show up at the party tomorrow without trying because I'll burst into tears and then hit a self-defensive rage. I know I will. And nobody needs to see that.

I'm debating even going to the party.

PS. August 9th will be exactly 2months since last I saw Jenn. I understand that we've both been busy but we haven't been keeping touch either. I don't understand why she doesn't call. (Read my previous entry as to why I think I don't call people. I think its a poor excuse but I makes sense in my head until I think to hard about it. But I still can't seem to do it.)

Here goes nothing. Wish me luck.

Quick update: I did it. I called her. She wasn't home. I was hoping that she would be. I left her a message. I asked her to read this, think about it for a little while and give me a call. I hope this works.