Deeply hurt

Jenn has a new job. She finally got a teaching position, I think. I don't really know. She never called me, or emailed me, or anything. I found out first thing this morning when I checked facebook and saw that her status had been updated with this information. I thought I would contact her (via facebook wall) and ask for the details. I thought that this would show that I was trying to believe in our friendship.

Turns out that I got invited to the party on Friday before I even know the details of what we are celebrating. That tells me that this isn't new news, like first thing this morning. There has already been time to plan a party. Jocelyn called me at ~11:30 this morning to tell me that Jenn's mom had planned this party. I'm still not even sure what we're celebrating. But everybody seems so excited.

I'm really significantly hurt. I truly feel like Jenn doesn't want me to be a part of her life. Like I don't have enough in my life to mourn at. She'll say to my face that our friendship is important yet she doesn't invite me into her life. I don't want to stand on the outside any longer, being ignored. The pain of it makes me want to lash out with anger. To say things that I don't truly mean just to hurt her as bad as she is hurting me. It's taking a lot of control to not do that. To not write something nasty here that is designed to hurt her. Probably something that I couldn't take back.

If she doesn't want me, I wish she would just tell me. I hate being led on. I hate being pulled around where words say one thing and actions say another. If you mean what you say, then back it up with actions.

I figured out why I don't call people. When I'm sick, my world is filled with pain. I want to protect people, especially those that I love, from being sucked into that pain. I don't want to invite them into a world filled with pain.
It doesn't mean that I don't want to be part of their world. I can still celebrate with them or mourn with them as the situation requires. I'm still sensitive to other peoples needs. Actually, its a nice distraction from my own world. Call me.
If I'm comfortable and I don't feel like I'm going to overwhelm somebody with it, I may let you into my world. You may have to ask and you have to be aware of what you are asking to see. You have know that the worst that can happen is that I won't be able to control it and you may end up hurt. I would never hurt somebody with this intentionally but if I open up, it could happen. Talk to me about it. It wasn't intentional.

At some point I'm going to have to make a decision. Do I work to maintain Jenn as part of my life or do I let it slip away? This isn't going to be an easy decision to make. I'm fairly good friends with Jocelyn and Owen is one of Nick's closest friends. I don't want to wreck the rest of these relationships. I don't want to loose Joce as a friend. I couldn't ask Nick to give up Owen or vice versa. It's bad enough that I feel like I'm going to loose Owen as a friend as well if I decide that I need to server things with Jenn. I'll get to mourn for both of them in my life. At the same time, I can't keep standing on the outside wishing that she would let me in. It hurts. And that pain won't go away until quite a while after I remove the offending object. But without it getting reinjured, slowly it won't hurt as bad.

I've lost Jenn as a friend once (and I think it happened much this way) and don't know how to proceed this time. There is so much more at stake.

Why do friends always seem to walk away? It is like people choose to write me out of their lives. There are very few people that I have been close to for any extended amount of time. The usual range is 1.5 years to 3-4 years. And then they quit talking to me. It hurts every time somebody walks away without explaining why they are going and how they are feeling. I miss them but I can never figure out why they walked away. I really wish they would explain.