Marry me... Maybe

Nick and I talk about getting married. We both truly want it to happen. But he's nervous. I don't blame him.

Quite a while ago, he said it was because we couldn't afford the wedding we wanted. Yes, we've talked about it that in depth.

Last week, as I was thinking about the upcoming schooling, I realized that if we waited till we were done school and gave ourselves a year to save up some money, we wouldn't be getting married for another 8 years. 8 years. So I told him that I didn't care about the wedding itself. Let's have something simple now and we'll have a 10 year anniversary that looks like our original wedding plans. It would happen about the same time. Then the truth came out.

Nick isn't really good at articulating his feelings. Not the deep ones. So there was a couple days of confusion and strong emotions and tension between us.
It started as him not being sure that I wouldn't snap or breakdown on our future kids. Except he worded it in a way that made me feel like he wasn't sure that he wanted me to be the mother of his kids and kids are ubber important to him. He wants a family very badly. It hurt, coming out like that. I cried so hard that my eyes hurt the next day at work.
So we talked about it again. And it started to take a little bit more of a shape. And seemed a little bit nicer.
And we talked and we talked. And it got better.

Saturday (this is the part I kept promising in my last post, if you're reading them backwards even though I'm going to tell you not to at the beginning of my next post) Jenn hauled me into a bridal shop. I was so hesitant! And it hurt because of what was going on between Nick and I. I know it wasn't intentional. She had no idea as to what was going on at home. And then it was wedding-this and wedding-that. And I melted over the next stress point - Nick going shopping.

After J/J/O left, Nick and I got to talking one more time. And I finally figured it out. He does intend to marry me. He does intend to have kids with me. He knows that right now I'm battling the bipolar and learning how to live with it. He wants to wait though because he wants to see me beat this. At least to a point where I'm stable and happy again. (I always think that I look eternally sad whenever I catch sight of myself in a mirror. I've been avoiding them.) Healing when you fall seriously out of it takes so long. But I know it's getting better. (I know that as it stands I need to add something to the drug mix. Next doctors appointment) But it's slow. And I'm trying to do it right this time to try and prevent another episode. I don't want to go through this again. I'm pretty sure that Nick and my friends don't either. Once is enough for most people. This is now twice for me. Except this time I remember what it feels like to be truly happy and positive. Okay. Off topic.

The point is, Nick wants to wait. I understand why. I still have a lingering fear that he's going to leave because he can't handle the bipolar. But I know that I just need to trust. That for now I just need to love him and let him love me. Plus, if I quiet and wait on the topic, he'll get the chance to do something romantic and propose.