The Man that I Need is the One that I Have

I'm not going to take back what I said about Nick. This is a journal of my thoughts and feelings and at that moment, that was the truth at that moment. I am going to say I wish that the chaos would shut up, go away and leave me alone. I don't want to play anymore. I hate that I can't control it and I can't tell what is really happening. My lack of any accurate perception of reality leads me to say things that hurt people. In just over a week, I've gone after both Jenn and Nick. These are people who I love and who love me. Yet the chaos makes me doubt them.

I love Nick even if I have to work a little bit harder to keep the house organized (that part was true). I'm hoping that I have the rest of my life to teach him to be able to pick up after himself.

We've reached a vital point where everybody around me is seeing that I need professional help. And I want professional help. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. I need to learn how to live with this disease. It's not going to go away. I've accepted that.
Jenn has started to advocate for me, or at least point me in the right direction. I know that I need to be the one to call in order to get the process started. In under 24 hours she has provided me with multiple leads. Now I just need to buck up and get on the phone. And I'm terrified. I don't know why but lately the idea of calling somebody I don't know, even if I have a really good reason to do it, terrifies me. I've been putting everything off until the very last minute. Until I absolutely have to do it.
I'm so scared that I won't be able to find the help that I need. I know that I need to do this. I know I do. I hate this uncontrollable, unreasonable fear. The worst that could happen is that they say that they can't help. Maybe they would even point me in the next direction. Maybe not. I know that trying can't hurt. But I'm terrified. Maybe I could start this process by email. I can email without fear or meet somebody face to face. But to call them is paralyzing. I wish it wasn't.

Now that I've talked that in a complete circle, I'm going to see what I can find online. Wish me luck and remember, this is a start. Until I gain some confidence or reach a road block that says I have to call.