I am deaf and hoarse

Last night was the Nickleback concert. Amazing.

Let me start at the beginning before I get too ahead of myself.

The concert was scheduled to start at 6:15PM. So we arrived at Rexall Place at about 5:50. I figured that this would be lots of time to get inside and find our seats before the show started. Man, was I wrong. There were huge line ups at every door. So we picked the shortest line up that we could find and waited like all the other human-cattle. None of the lines moved at all. I don't know when they finally opened the doors but we didn't get inside until 6:55PM. It was crazy!!! By the time we got in there, we missed State of Shock and half of Puddle of Mud's sets. I was so pissed off and really wanted to give somebody a piece of my mind. I don't know who State of Shock is or what they sound like and I'm not a big fan of Puddle of Mud. It was the principle of the matter and not so much that I felt hugely ripped by not seeing them.

Daughtery (Chris Daughtery off American Idol a year and a bit ago - I'm not 100% how to spell his last name, I would have to look it up) was good. The instruments/voice was not balanced properly. The instruments were so loud that if he was singing quietly, you couldn't make out what he was saying and the lead guitar, specifically, was so loud that it really grated on my nerves. Over all, good. I would love to go and see him again when he has more experience performing. I find that a lot of young artists hide behind their bands until they gain more confidence.

Shortly after 9PM, Nickleback hit the stage. Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! It was one hell of a party! By the 3rd song, I wanted to stand up and dance along but I was in a section that wasn't standing so I had to wait. This is the story of my life at concerts. About half way through some people were standing so I thought, "To hell with it" and stood up. They were on the stage until almost 11PM.

By the time it was all said and done, I couldn't hear a thing, I was hoarse from screaming so hard, and I was soaking wet from dancing along. I had a quick shower when I got home and something to drink. 2 problems down. Now, if only the walls would quit making noise (the reverse of true noise that happens when your eardrums have been over exposed - think of the spot you see on the inside of your eyelids when you look into a light).

I was so impressed with Nickleback that I wasn't even that upset about not seeing the opening bands. Well worth every penny and I would totally do it again even if the getting in was such a mess again.

(Cautionary note for anybody thinking of going and seeing this concert - don't take young children with you. Some of the content is not appropriate)

Concerts I've seen to date - In order of best to worst.

1. Dixie Chicks / Nickleback
1. The Chicks had more energy but Nickleback was just rocking awesome.
2. Great Big Sea
1. It's just one big kitchen party
3. Avril Lavine
4. Guess Who
5. Toby Keith
1. I was so unimpressed with him that I can't even listen to his music anymore. When he was scheduled to start playing, he wasn't even in the building yet and then he only sang his songs half-heartedly. I'm glad that I didn't pay for this one.

I think I may have seen one other but I can't remember who it is. I would most definitely pay the money to go and see GBS, Dixie Chicks, or Nickleback again.

Woot for great concerts!

RIP Eva Hansen

So it finally happened. Grandma passed away Saturday morning. Mom called me about it while I was hanging out with Jenn. Nick came and picked me up and we went and visited with my family. The funeral is going to be held Thursday.

I have yet to really react to this yet. My conscious mind knows that she's gone and I'm never going to get to laugh with her again until I pass on. The deeper parts of me don't want to admit it yet. They keep telling me that she is in the hospital, just like I left her. It's going to really hurt when this comes crashing down on me. It may not happen until Thursday.

I hate the chaos in my head

I'm sorry Jenn.

She emailed me last night on facebook and talked about her side. The chaos had blown a little tiny, unintended nothing into something that was so huge and consuming that it was nearly fatal to a friendship. It is true that we have been neglecting each other lately. But it wasn't intentional on either part.

I hate the chaos. I hate the fact that the emotions are so huge over something so tiny. I hate the fact that I can't judge what a situation is really worth. I hate over reacting when I shouldn't. I hate not having the control over that.

I'm looking forward to the party this evening and getting to see Jenn and getting to celebrate with her. :)

Uncensored

This is my blog and my thought diary, yet I find myself hesitant to write things down here. I'm scared that somebody might read it and decide that they are mad at me over it. Or worse yet, that I might hurt somebody. I don't know why it's such a big deal not to hurt people when I'm not feeling balanced but it is. Everything in my world is such pain. And I seem to hurt people anyway. And I don't want to.

I'm not censoring this any more. This is my thought process as it happens, or at least that was the intention of this blog, and I haven't been writing things as they are. I've been censoring them because I am scared of who is going to read them. I can't do that any more. Its not true to the theory of this project and its not true to myself.

Ever since I wrote that speal about Jenn, I've been thinking "why didn't I put this in there?" or "why didn't I put that in there?" Not everything I wanted to say that day was nice and polite, yet I tried to keep it that way. There are somethings that I'm glad I didn't write in there. I was really mad that day. I was really hurt. Now I've had some time to think. I'm still really hurt but I'm not so mad.

I don't feel like I'm important to somebody who is supposed to be my best friend. Everybody else seemed to know about this job Tuesday night. (Congratulations Jenn. You are going to make a great teacher. I really mean that!) Jenn sent me an email this afternoon, on facebook. It reads:

Hi Mel!
I got a job teaching grade 7 & 8 band and grade 9 social studies at _____ school (Jenn has asked me to remove the school name). I am very excited!

That's it. Everybody else who I know is important to her got a phone call Tuesday night. Everybody else got to hear it from her lips. I got a 2 sentence email 48hours after it happened and I had to read the details in Owen's blog.
Warning: The chaos in my head may be telling me that this is a big deal when really it's not. But right now, I feel like it's a big deal to me. I need somebody to act like a mirror and tell me what's true. I don't trust my own emotions right now.

Sorry, I'm crying.

I'm so scared that I'm going to loose my best friend. Somebody who I want so bad to rely on. Now I'm so scared to open up to her again. I'm scared that she is going to turn her back on me.

I don't know why it happens. Every time I get sick, I seem to loose friends. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. The chaos in my head tells me that its me who is doing something wrong. But nobody bothers to tell me what I'm doing. Then just walk away without another word. They stop returning emails. They stop calling. They stop answering their phones. They even stop returning messages that I leave for them. They just walk away and write me out of their lives. Out of everybody I've ever called a friend, ever given my heart to, I seem to have lost most of them. I'm down to Amanda, Jenn (who I've lost once), Jocelyn (who I've lost once), Owen, Nick, and Mark (who I've very nervous about handing my heart over to). That's the only people left on my list. Everybody else left by their choosing. Correction, there are a couple who I have forced out of my life, but they lost my respect for good reason. I'm so confused because nobody has ever told me the reason.

I have a brave new plan that hopefully will get a discussion going between Jenn and me. I'm going to phone her, ask her to read this, and then have her phone me back. Then I know that at least what I need to say is being heard. I have to try. I can't show up at the party tomorrow without trying because I'll burst into tears and then hit a self-defensive rage. I know I will. And nobody needs to see that.

I'm debating even going to the party.

PS. August 9th will be exactly 2months since last I saw Jenn. I understand that we've both been busy but we haven't been keeping touch either. I don't understand why she doesn't call. (Read my previous entry as to why I think I don't call people. I think its a poor excuse but I makes sense in my head until I think to hard about it. But I still can't seem to do it.)

Here goes nothing. Wish me luck.

Quick update: I did it. I called her. She wasn't home. I was hoping that she would be. I left her a message. I asked her to read this, think about it for a little while and give me a call. I hope this works.

Deeply hurt

Jenn has a new job. She finally got a teaching position, I think. I don't really know. She never called me, or emailed me, or anything. I found out first thing this morning when I checked facebook and saw that her status had been updated with this information. I thought I would contact her (via facebook wall) and ask for the details. I thought that this would show that I was trying to believe in our friendship.

Turns out that I got invited to the party on Friday before I even know the details of what we are celebrating. That tells me that this isn't new news, like first thing this morning. There has already been time to plan a party. Jocelyn called me at ~11:30 this morning to tell me that Jenn's mom had planned this party. I'm still not even sure what we're celebrating. But everybody seems so excited.

I'm really significantly hurt. I truly feel like Jenn doesn't want me to be a part of her life. Like I don't have enough in my life to mourn at. She'll say to my face that our friendship is important yet she doesn't invite me into her life. I don't want to stand on the outside any longer, being ignored. The pain of it makes me want to lash out with anger. To say things that I don't truly mean just to hurt her as bad as she is hurting me. It's taking a lot of control to not do that. To not write something nasty here that is designed to hurt her. Probably something that I couldn't take back.

If she doesn't want me, I wish she would just tell me. I hate being led on. I hate being pulled around where words say one thing and actions say another. If you mean what you say, then back it up with actions.

I figured out why I don't call people. When I'm sick, my world is filled with pain. I want to protect people, especially those that I love, from being sucked into that pain. I don't want to invite them into a world filled with pain.
It doesn't mean that I don't want to be part of their world. I can still celebrate with them or mourn with them as the situation requires. I'm still sensitive to other peoples needs. Actually, its a nice distraction from my own world. Call me.
If I'm comfortable and I don't feel like I'm going to overwhelm somebody with it, I may let you into my world. You may have to ask and you have to be aware of what you are asking to see. You have know that the worst that can happen is that I won't be able to control it and you may end up hurt. I would never hurt somebody with this intentionally but if I open up, it could happen. Talk to me about it. It wasn't intentional.

At some point I'm going to have to make a decision. Do I work to maintain Jenn as part of my life or do I let it slip away? This isn't going to be an easy decision to make. I'm fairly good friends with Jocelyn and Owen is one of Nick's closest friends. I don't want to wreck the rest of these relationships. I don't want to loose Joce as a friend. I couldn't ask Nick to give up Owen or vice versa. It's bad enough that I feel like I'm going to loose Owen as a friend as well if I decide that I need to server things with Jenn. I'll get to mourn for both of them in my life. At the same time, I can't keep standing on the outside wishing that she would let me in. It hurts. And that pain won't go away until quite a while after I remove the offending object. But without it getting reinjured, slowly it won't hurt as bad.

I've lost Jenn as a friend once (and I think it happened much this way) and don't know how to proceed this time. There is so much more at stake.

Why do friends always seem to walk away? It is like people choose to write me out of their lives. There are very few people that I have been close to for any extended amount of time. The usual range is 1.5 years to 3-4 years. And then they quit talking to me. It hurts every time somebody walks away without explaining why they are going and how they are feeling. I miss them but I can never figure out why they walked away. I really wish they would explain.

No Drumheller for me

So the weekend plans have become official. Or at least to the extent that I'm not going to Drumheller. Mom doesn't feel right about leaving town with Grandma the way she is and everybody (my Dad, my Aunt,...) taking Grandma's passing really hard.

Grandma update:
I didn't go see her Tuesday. And I probably won't go see her ever again. She is loosing the awareness of what is going on around her. Mom says that she can't talk anymore. She has lost the coordination of the muscles in her throat. She can barely keep her eyes open.
Mom said that the other day Grandma said, "It's time to go home."
We're within days now of her passing.

Weekend catch up

I ment to keep writing all weekend but it was busy and then the new book showed up. I'll get to that.

Friday:
After my post, I ended up talking with Amanda and Jenn and Owen by phone. All to make plans for Saturday but was it ever good to hear thier voices.
After Nick got home from his football game, he decided that we should go to chapters on Calgary trail. He was taking his little brother to buy his copy of Harry Potter. He's such a good big brother. Then he decided that he needed to buy a copy of the book for himself because he didn't want to wait for me to finish before he could read it. And we wonder why the author is so rich.
Saturday:
Went to Moma Mia with Amanda. What an amazing show. I was dancing in my seat the entire time. Next time it is town, I'm inviting everybody to go with me. And I highly recommend that we go because it was simply amazing.
Then Mandy and I went for dinner at Gabbana (11223 Jasper Avenue) for supper. It comes highly recommended from Nick and Mark. They have terrible ceasar salad, awsome green onion cakes with this yummy sun-dried tomatoe sauce, but thier lemon chicken sounded so good on the menu but tasted like chicken balls. It was even deep fried. Not remotely what I wanted. I don't know if I would go back.
Later on that evening we had decided to go to a movie. It was an "everybody is invited" type of affair. Jenn and Owen decided not to come because Jenn had an intense head ache. Understandable. Jocelyn, Mark, Nick and I ended up going to Ratatouille. Another movie that needs to join the collection when it comes out on video. But it happened to be in the coldest theater. And with my house being a comfortable temperature, I forgot to bring my sweater. I froze. Joce took pitty on me and handed over her sweater because she wasn't nearly as cold. Thanks Joce, I really appreciate it.
Sunday:
Finally opened Harry Potter (my copy was delivered to my parents house on Saturday; I had pre-ordered it the day the date was released). And didn't do much else.

Mood update:
It is so strange right now. I'm okay (a little down but highly functional) all day. For the last couple of days, I start to feel "sad" around supper time and the feeling builds until by bed time I feel so hopeless and hugely sad that if I was to wake up like that the next day, I wouldn't be able to function. But I wake up the following morning back at okay. It's reall wierd and has happened for quite a few days in a row.
I upped my dose of my meds this morning (every monday I'm getting to up them for 4 weeks; this is week 3). Let's hope that everything continues to improve.

Grandma update:
Not well.
Mom and I have had a trip to Drumheller planned for next weekend for a long time. When we found out that Grandma's cancer was back, that trip went to tentative depending on how she was doing. As of this morning, the trip went to the "highly unlikely to cancelled" type range. I know we will rebook.
Mom said that Grandma had a really rough weekend. Her ability to swallow is pretty much completely gone. Previously, most of what she was eating was ending up in her lungs but now she's choking on it. She can't even get pudding down and it is one of the easiest things to swallow. Mom also says that Grandma has decided that she doesn't want visitors aside from immediate family. I can't blame her for that. Grandma is sleeping a lot now.
I'm going to go up right after work tomorrow and visit with her for a short time. If I go back up on Thursday will depend on how she's doing. If she isn't aware of who is around her anymore, than I won't be going. But I have a feeling that my visit on Tuesday might be the last and if I go see her on Thursay, it will 90% be the last one unless she completely rebounds.
This isn't easy.

Friday night home alone

I'm home alone on a Friday night with nothing to do. I'm not going to waste the time. I'm going to clean the house so the rest of my weekend is free.

I revoke the whole birthday present thing. All I want for my birthday is my drivers license. Nobody seems to eager to offer to teach me to drive so I want money so that I can pay somebody (AMA) to teach me to drive. If I can get that for my birthday, it would feel so good. Here's a new record for you: I've had my learners for 7 years as of my birthday. Isn't that disgusting? I feel like somebody (probably my parents) failed me while I was growing up in not helping me get this accomplished. Now I need to raise a lot of money so that I can go and get this accomplished for myself.

Then maybe I wouldn't be sitting around on a Friday evening by myself. Nick went to the football game with his family. I don't feel right about calling my friends and saying "Let do something but you have to pick me up because I'm not talented enough to be able to drive a car."

Nick already said that he would add me to the insurance for the car. It will be good. Then we can go out in the evening without having to worry about how much Nick had to drink. I'll just drive home. I don't have to worry about drinking and driving.

I kind of miss drinking. Correction, I miss drinking wine. Good wine. I miss drinking wine with Mark. He always picked amazing wines. I was starting to get a real appreciation for wine.
... The pills I'm on don't say directly on them that I can't drink. Maybe eventually I'll hit a point where I feel stable enough that I would be able to have a small glass of wine with supper. I would really like that.

Update on my meds

I think we finally found a good combination. My moods are becoming less erratic and I'm feeling more focused. This is the point of meds. I just hope that I can reach the effective dose soon and really get back to living life in all of its joys and sorrows.

Birthday presents

Everybody is always bugging me about what I want for my birthday. It takes me for ever to think of a list or even some ideas. I've decided that as I come up with them, I'm going to post them so that I don't forget them.

• Drivers license
• Desk Chair
• Jewelery (I have a wish list at www.ice.com for samples, just for style ideas)
• Wish list at http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/
• A set of good knives with whet stone
• A nice bowl (v.Large) that I can put out on my table with fruit in it.
• Art
• A new digital camera (Mine has a really slow shutter speed and can't handle candid photos. 5X or more digital zoom. 7+MP. Rechargeable batteries. Not one that runs on AAs because cameras that do just eat them. Image stabilization and a sort of auto focus. My current camera you have to hold the button to see if it's in focus. No candid shots.)
• A small, stylish wall clock for in my office. Pick one that doesn't tick loudly (or doesn't have an audible tick). This is a room I try to concentrate in.
• Leather Jacket
• Dirty Dancing (the movie) - I would have added it to the chapters list but the system wouldn't let me.
• Marlee Scott's CDs
• Rumolli (spelling?)
• Backgamon
• IPod - http://www.bestbuy.ca/catalog/proddetail.asp?sku_id=0926INGFS10092770&catid=24613&logon=&langid=EN

I had more ideas than that but of course I have forgotten them at this exact moment. I will keep updating this post as I think of them.

And another car alarms goes beep in the night

Once again, my sleep was disturbed in the middle of the night by a car alarm. With the recent events of us being broken into a couple of times, I woke up and was quite concerned. Actually, it took me about an hour to get to sleep again. I wanted to run downstairs and check on the car but then I thought "A girl running into guys who are already up to no good, all by herself, in the middle of the night." I decided to stay in bed. But I did check this morning. Good news: It wasn't our car, this time. Am I ever tired.

Cyclothymia vs BPII

According to the official US definition as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association, Cyclothymic Disorder - also called Cyclothymia - is "a chronic, fluctuating mood disturbance involving numerous periods of hypomanic symptoms and numerous periods of depressive symptoms."

According to the official US definition as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association, Bipolar II Disorder is "characterized by one or more Major Depressive Episodes accompanied by at least one Hypomanic Episode." The key difference between Bipolar I and Bipolar II is that Bipolar II has hypomanic but not manic episodes.

I'm not sure which I qualify for but both are treated the same way. Guess I'm covered.

Jenn, I miss you.

I seem to be missing one of my best friends, Jenn. Last time I saw her I believe was Jocelyn's party at the beginning of June. Wow, that was a long time ago. I don't hear from her much and seem to keep missing all of the group activities because I'm already busy. But most of my really close friends know what my plans look like most weekends and usually a few weeks in advance. She doesn't call me. I don't know why. I know I'm just as guilty as her on this topic and I can't tell you why I don't call.

Today: I had purposely called Jenn (roughly 12PM) because I hadn't seen her in a really long time. I happen to be in town and free this evening. I realize that she may not have been free, which it turns out, she wasn't. She had a family thing tonight and needs to be in church early tomorrow so needed to call it an early night. With her living in Spruce Grove, that means we don't typically get together unless we can all do a later evening. So me and Nick went for a late lunch after being up at the hospital to visit with Grandma. We had stopped at Mark's Work Wearhouse, too. We got home again about 5:30-ish. Nick decided he wanted a nap. I went and lied down with him because I love laying beside him. I fell right asleep even though I didn't mean to. Jenn had called me ~7PM to say that Joce was coming over and they were all headed to the pool to try and beat the heat. I woke up about 7:30 and didn't realize that she called. Checking the phone isn't the first thing I do. Joce called ~8 as they were all about to get in the pool. Nick and I toyed with the idea of driving all the way out to the Grove to join them. By the time we got ready and got all the way out there, it would have easily been 9PM. The pool closes at 9. And Jenn doesn't want a late evening so there wasn't any point in going out there.

The way it could have worked: I'm assuming that Jenn's family thing would have been in Edmonton since all of the family I know of lives in Edmonton. She could have said that she didn't know how late the family thing would have ran. They could have brought their swim stuff with them on the idea that if it didn't go really disgustingly late, they could have come over here and we could have gone swimming at one of the pools in Edmonton. Or we could have set up with different plans. *Shrugs*

Actually, now that I stop and think about it, it seems like I'm the last to know when something is going on in any of my best friends lives. Joce tells Jenn. Jenn tell Joce. Owen tells Nick. Amanda tells... I hear about quite a bit here but I don't know if I'm the first to know. And since most of the news is a couple weeks old, I doubt it.

Wow, don't I feel super close to my best friends.

PS. Next Saturday is Moma Mia with Amanda.
The Saturday after I'll be in Drumheller with my Mom. (Assuming that nothing happens right before that with Grandma)

In case anybody is wondering why we don't get together on Fridays, I don't really know. We would have to get together in Edmonton. My place would probably work best. The reason: Nick works late and we never know how late until that afternoon. Sometimes he has to work till 3:30 but there are days where he's not home till 8. *shrugs* Again, I don't know.

Transformers

We went and saw transformers on Friday night. An awesome movie! Go see it on the big screen. You need the big screen to get all of the effects.
Most definitely one I'm going to add to my collection when it comes out on DVD.

And another window turns into so many pieces of broken glass

The car got broken into again. This time one of the little back windows. This is now the second time that we have been broken into and we only moved into this apartment at the end of April.

Nick has promised that he would get hold of the landlords and talk to them about it. I doubt anything will happen or change. These landlords know that they have us by the short and curlies. There isn't anywhere else to rent. There isn't any other place to go. If there was, I would probably be championing moving.

I hope that Nick can handle this. I have enough on my plate with being sick and Grandma being in the hospital. If I have to get involved, I'm probably not going to make the situation any better. I can just imagine me yelling at the landlady because she doesn't care and the chaos in my head says that this is a big deal.

Please Nick. Get assertive and get the job done.

To see people or to not see people; that is the question

Right now, with being so far out of balance, my agoraphobia is in full swing. It's making me just want to sit at home and pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist. But it doesn't work like that. I have things to do. People want to see me. People I haven't seen in a really long time want to get together for coffee. I've gotten as far as being able to see really close friends but I can't bring myself to get together with people I haven't seen in a while. I know that everything would be okay once I met up with them but the anxiety is so high that I can't force myself to make plans. For those who are falling into the category, I'm sorry. It's not that I don't want to get together. Be patient. This too shall pass. The agoraphobia is a lot less when I'm balanced. I wish I could tell you "give me 2 weeks" or "give me a month" but I can't. It may be a couple of weeks; It may be a couple of months.

Even if I was out with "safe" people, I can't decide what to do. The only thing I know that I want to do right now is see the new Harry Potter movie. The desire is there but still somebody else is going to have to say "I'm going to see HP. Would you like to come?"

I hate this!

English Course

I started my English course for my next university degree. I'm so far behind where I wanted to be. My books arrived about June 10. My official start date was July 1. I figured I would get ahead. I set reasonable goals. I got right after it. The doctor put me on Tropamax which took away my ability to think. It all had to get set aside. I started working on it again on Tuesday night. I'm worried that the stress assoicated with Grandma is going to make it difficult to get as much done as I want to. It's nice to know that I have until the end of December to finish the course but I don't want to take that long. I would like to get a couple of other courses out of the way before I actually attend the UofC in Fall08.

Grandma

Our valient warrior is fighting again. The cancer is back. This time it's in her liver and pancrease. Usually, by the time it can affect the liver, it is pretty much through out the entire body.

She has been in the hospital since last Friday. Everybody around her made her go in. She wasn't given to many choices about this. She is having trouble eating and staying hydrated so the hospital decided to keep her. She had a biopsy done yesterday. We should get the results in about a week. The treatment options are very limited this time. She's not strong enough for most of the standard cancer treatments.

If my phone is off, I'm probably in the hospital. Leave a message. I'll phone you back. I don't promise that it will be right away. Being sick when this started, going up to the hospital leaves me really emotionally drained.

Agoraphobia

I just recently found out that agoraphobia is common among bipolar people. I have suffered from it for years but didn't realize that it could be related.

For those of you who don't know:
Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder which primarily consists of the fear of experiencing a difficult or embarrassing situation from which the sufferer cannot escape. As a result, severe sufferers of Agoraphobia may become confined to their homes, experiencing difficulty traveling from this "safe place". - Wikipedia

For those who know me, I suffer from this to a point where, when I'm unstable, I don't like going anywhere by myself. Having somebody that I trust with me helps keep me calm but I still can't handle crowds well. K-days (or the Ex or what ever they call it now) is out of the question. West Edmonton Mall on a Saturday is extremely stressful and not something that I can usually do.

But I know it's something that I have to account for and am learning to live with it.

The beginning

So I needed a place to vent and to try and understand myself. I decided that I would do it in a way that my thoughts may come to benefit others.

I was diagnosed with bipolar in my fourth year of university. That would have made it 2005. Wow, that is quite a while ago. I was only diagnosed properly because my doctor started looking at my sleeping patterns. This was the first clear sign of the mania. Prior to that, they were attempting to treat it as if I was depressed. I hate anti-depressants. I have never been on one where I didn't get slaughtered by the side effects. And they didn't do a lot for making me feel better.

Now, after so many years, I have finally come to accept that this is something that I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life. It isn't going to go away. I kept hoping that it would. That I would be one of the lucky ones where it was mild enough that I wouldn't be spending every day of my life on meds. I went on lithium when I was diagnosed. I was on that until November of 2006. June 2007, I was back in the doctors office asking for more pills. The doctor decided that we were going to try a new idea for meds: Anti-convulsants. Tropamax was the first one. I had so many side effects. I was ataxic; nauseous; I developed a tremor; Dizziness; etc. It killed my ability to think clearly or reason. I didn't go back to the doctors until my next scheduled appointment (last Wednesday). She gave me shit and told me I should have been in her office a couple of weeks earlier. We stopped those drugs that evening and I started to feel better almost right away.

Monday morning I started on the next variety. I will have to look up the name of it at a later date. I don't remember. But so far, so good. I've had a couple of minor dizzy spells but nothing really bad. Nick says that my mood is a little better but then I went and ripped a strip out of him last night because I was feeling aggressive and mean. I'm sorry Nick. This is why we are trying meds again, so that my moods are at least more predictable. I ended up just walking away because I couldn't say anything nice or positive. I couldn't shake the feeling so I went and kissed Nick (quickly; I felt like if I spent a lot of time touching him I would punch him or something) and went to bed.

This is my journey to deal with a disease that is going to run the rest of my life.