Meltdown - Everybody Run

Saturday evening, Jenn, Owen, and Jocelyn were over. Shortly before supper, I went from happy to crying and avoiding. I emotionally melted down. I just wanted to hide. Honestly, I was embarrassed and didn't want anybody to notice that I couldn't manage myself. But they are my best friends. Of course they noticed. I was still melting, although slowing down, by supper time. Finally Jenn said "Mel, you have got to snap out of this". I had to walk away. I had to go and collect myself. But her saying that did it. It got me coming back around. J/J/O: I owe you an explanation and even though it doesn't cover the whole melt down, I think that it was a contributing factor. See next entry... When I came back to the table, I made a point of not letting myself completely wallow. I tried to get involved in the conversation and leave what happened as a meltdown. And I think I succedded to a point. My great friends volunteered to clean up my kitchen. Thanks guys - even though I had a hell of a time finding my cutting boards. :) While they cleaned up, Nick and I had a quiet chat in the bedroom. See next entry. (I'm saying that a lot but it will make sense.) I heard them finishing them up, so Nick and I came out and I was ready to socialize again but they had all decided that they were going to leave. I was kinda disappointed. But in a way it was good. See next entry.

Meltdowns happen. This one started with under lying stress and was triggered because Nick went shopping after I had told the girls all afternoon that I had no money and couldn't go shopping.

But meltdowns happen when you live with bipolar. It's like something in your head suddenly turns and you're no longer in control. The emotion is huge, overwhelming. And if there is people around, I want to go hide. I have lost every friend I have ever had at some point. A few have come back (and I love them dearly) but most haven't. I have hurt everybody who has walked into my life. And I never know what happened. I can't remember it. People will just stop talking to me, just walk away. I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt those that I love and loose them from my life. Those large emotions are wild and I'm not in control at those times. I can say some extremely hurtful things. I don't mean any of it and would have never said it (or at least not like I did at that moment) but I did or could.

When you see the rapid shift, give me a moment. There is a chance I could collect myself five minutes later. After that, come and find me. Talk to me. Leave your emotions at the door. The worst that can happen is that you emotionally respond because my brain is already searching for a reason for this emotion to be happening (Nick is extremely good at this). Be prepared for emotions that could range anywhere from rage to extreme sadness (I'm talking like your mother just died suddenly type). Be prepared for me to tell you that there is no reason because there isn't. It's that simple. Don't push it because if my brain can find a reason for it, than the feeling suddenly becomes legitimated. And I don't want any feeling that big to actually have a reason. I want to keep it as just a feeling. Something that will pass. As I start to calm down, talk to me. I may not want to rejoin the group right away and probably couldn't stand for everybody to come to my aid all at once (pick a representative, you could even take turns). And remember, it will pass and it's not personal, you did nothing to cause this. If I was mad at you, I would come right out and say it. This is different.

Thank you to the best friends somebody could want. Thank you for being supportive. And for being brave enough to speak up when these things happen. I know they make you nervous.